1) I don't love him. I can't make myself love him. I tried for four years (got married because of an unexpected pregnancy, I never would have otherwise).

I am evil because I stayed so long, not loving him.

2) If I leave him, I'm destroying our children's lives. Condemning them to be raised in a broken home.

I am evil for leaving him and not trying harder.

My mind is a wreck. I'm damned either way. Maybe if he wasn't so mean I could try harder to love him.

But loving someone who's personality is so opposite to my own I've found to be impossible (He's misogynistic, condescending, litters constantly, isn't respectful or polite to strangers, is homophobic and is particularly rude to trans people, yells/berates me constantly, etc.)

But no matter what I do in this situation, I'm "evil". I sometimes wish I could just cease to exist.