I’m not sure what to flair this as. Infidelity? Rant/venting? I do need to vent to others who understand what I’m going through but this also touches on the topic of emotional infidelity.

After days of crying so hard I made myself sick multiple times, I’ve accepted the fact that this divorce is going to happen. I’ve done a lot of deep thinking and I’ve even come up with a list of reasons why this is a good thing. I’m going to put them down because I guess I need validation that I’m not crazy and that many others would feel the same way. Plus I think writing them down will make me feel better.

1 - Our house is close to 3,000 sq ft, but he never cleans. Now I won’t have to keep picking up after him.

2 - I don’t have to do his large amounts of laundry anymore.

3 - I don’t have to come up with meal ideas every night and cook for him. He never cooks.

4 - I won’t have to deal with him buying a million things off the internet and leaving his purchases on the counter for months or until I say something about it.

5 - For as long as we’ve been together he’s always needed an office because of his work. He’s always had a space that’s his, I never got my own space because his stuff took up the extra room. Now I can get my own space!

6 - No more dealing with his hoarding tendencies

7 - This ones personal but it’s probably the biggest plus. In the 12 years I’ve been with him he’s never made me orgasm, even when I tried to teach him what I like. No more faking orgasms to prevent hurt feelings. Maybe I’ll find someone one day who actually can get the deed done.

Despite all these good things when I found out that he’s already involved with another woman less than a week after we separated I still cried so hard. I can’t figure out if it would hurt more if he just came out and told me he’s seeing this person or if the wondering where he is would be less painful.

I don’t think he was physically cheating on me during our marriage, but certainly emotionally cheating. He just waited until we were separated to start in with the physical stuff.

So not only did he lie to me for so long about how much he loved me and how everything was good and he was happy in our relationship, he’s also lied about not being attracted to this woman (who I confronted him about way before things got bad.)

How the hell do I trust someone to be honest with me after this mess? I’m terrified that I won’t be able to and it will cost me someone precious in the future.