i was a victim of something adjacent to attempted murder when i was very young, along with physical abuse from foster families from 16-now. my life has been lastingly chaotic for a very, very long time, with little breaks for peace.

now, im relatively stable. sometimes my parents suck but i work so much im not around to see them, and im in online school so im not stressed by education right now. my life is very calm. despite that, i feel so far away from being alive.

i can only describe my dissociation as being drowned, coming up for water, then going down again. i will feel far away from myself, society, and my head until i get a few minutes of clarity and then immediately snap back into that state. the only time i have a lasting sense of being "present" in reality is when im facing sexual, physical, or emotional violence. maybe it's adrenaline or something? whatever it is, it makes me addicted to that since it's the only time i feel like im here.

does anyone know what to do about this? i'll thrill seek through non-harmful impulsive things like dyeing/cutting my hair, reasonable shopping sprees, loud underground concerts etc but eventually that ends and i still go home and i am back in my vegetableish state.