Sometimes I feel like my friends do not really like me and only keep me around because they either have bad boundaries or pity me so I will cut myself off, or say "Hey, I think I am done with this friendship because I am going through something, its not you though, I swear!!", thinking I am doing them some kind of a favor by doing that.

I did something similar recently and deleted all my socials that my friends used/where we primarily talked. And was considering blocking their numbers too because each day that goes by, I feel sadder and sadder that they havent noticed Im gone on socials. To me, no signals hurts less than mixed signals- in other words, if I block, it will hurt less than waiting a whole month and seeing that they never reach out to me. I never reach out because they are friends who need more space (im talking like.. we text monthly) and I really don't wanna overwhelm them.

Its also a weird test I do, a "if they really care about me, and I disappear/cut them off, they will reach out to me if they truly want me back" which i notice seems to be opposite in most cases for FAs, they seem to get overwhelmed if u message them while they deactivate but for me I secretly hope they will reach out like I keep waiting each night, hoping.. I probably lean more towards anxious honestly. But when I get anxious, I just cut myself out of the picture completely rather than get clingy and send many messages or whatever. Its like I feel like a toxin that needs to get rid of itself for the benefit of my loved ones.

I really need to learn to detach from these friends who clearly need more space than me and got their own hard shit going on. Im like a lonely stray animal that gets super attached at acquaintance-levels of kindness and wants more and more but obviously thats not healthy or good. It makes me very easy to love bomb too honestly. I easily feel so smothered though which is what is so confusing to me.

This shit sucks.

Id love to hear more from you guys about this topic and your thoughts in general