Well, that's an interesting title, isn't it?

Interesting, and unfortunately quite accurate as to the state I'm in at the moment.

A bit of background. While I don't necessarily look like a submissive woman, unfortunately for me, despite my physical appearance or professional qualities, when it comes to my sexual life I can't help but love being on a lover standing. Without going into too much boring detail about how I live my sexual life, these are the main points of my "philosophy" on it (if you can call it that) so that you see where I'm coming from:

• I do like to be heavily sexualized. I wanna feel sexy, and I think it's completely natural for a woman and everything she does to be looked at through an added layer of her sexuality. Meaning that I don't take offense if after finishing a marathon people decide to look at my butt rather than my achievements.
• I don't wanna be in control at all. I love the feeling of just being swept away.
• I wanna be slightly embarrassed and blushing. I enjoy a higher heart rate when being my submissive self.
• I don't wanna have the right to decide if or when I get to orgasm. I'm more just meant to endure both the maddening teasing, edging, and denial... Or on the other hand the seemingly endless flow of orgasms, one after the other. The point is that it's never my decision.
• I like and appreciate pain. It turns me on, very much so.
• My love language if you will is suffering for my partner.

Now, I've had a continuous partner of sorts for quite a while now. Up until recently however, we only met on a semi-regular basis, usually roughly bi-weekly. Our arrangement was relatively consistent and simple, when we were together I got very little sleep, but at least got to suffer a lot in various ways. While in between them I was to stay denied, tease, and edge myself a couple of times a day while remaining denied. And while of course, two weeks of denial is quite frustrating, the relatively low volume of edging that I had to do meant that I was perfectly functional throughout the day, except for being turned on for no reason every now and then.

Now however he's going to spend a lot more time here for the summer months, which rearranged our schedule to such a degree that I'm not sure if I will be able to take this much longer. You see, while our play-dates remained roughly bi-weekly, the denial in between became a lot more draining. Now that he is around, he maintains the right to tease me and edge whenever he can and sees fit. This in practice means that in the last week, instead of edging myself for a couple of hours a day, I've been edged, or at least teased and actively stimulated throughout the day to the point where it's basically only a couple of hours when I get to rest, which is incredibly draining both physically, mentally and also in the literal sense considering the amount of water I have to drink to rehydrate :D

But jokes aside I don't know if I'll be able to take this the whole summer. It's only been eight days and I'm already desperate and frustrated beyond belief. Right now I have a "day-off" edging so to speak. At least in the sense that he is unavailable so I'm suppose to tease and edge myself. But frankly, I'm so sensitive and basically leaking by default that I haven't even touched myself and it's midday already.

Instead, I'm alternating between trying to work out hoping that will help clear the pink fog out of my mind, and just burying my head into my pillows and trying not to scream (or almost cry) in frustration. It doesn't help keeping my spirits high that even the breeze from the open window feels weirdly teasing against my skin.

I'm writing this because on one hand, typing keeps my hands busy, and on the other concentrating to form coherent sentences helps with keeping my mind off of the constant aching and dripping that's going on down there.

Frankly, I'm appalled by the fact that I can be so turned on, I'm terrified that I'll have to take this for months considering where it got me in a week, and on top of all that I can't decide if I'm the luckiest woman alive to spend my day like this or if I made a huge mistake somewhere down the line :D

What I'd like to do is to have a conversation that keeps me busy in these desperate times. On one hand, you'd help a girl out, while on the other I genuinely enjoy having these talks with like-minded people. I guess you can say that I'm definitely not the doormat type of submissive. Not just because I'm quite tall, strong or capable, but also because I prefer to see my submission as part of a relationship and thus unlike some I genuinely enjoy just talking as well. Talking about feelings, submission, ideas or anything really. I just genuinely enjoy the company of a man who understands that just because I love the idea of being "forced" to be undressed and submissive privately, I'm still capable of forming opinions and have a mind worth exploring as well.