When I was 18, I met a 32 year old man on Tinder who I’ll call “J”. We started off with standard, normal conversing, kept messaging each other for hours, and then the topic of what we’re sexually interested in came up. I mentioned that though I’m inexperienced, I have a huge interest in kink and kink lifestyle. He replied that he was well into the lifestyle himself, and that whatever kinks I might have wouldn’t be a shock to him. Lay it all on him. I did, starting with power exchanges or dom/sub relationships, and different forms of masochism. I was interested in pain play and following orders, but I was scared. I would need a safe-word for any of the extreme stuff because it’s all so new and I don’t want to get hurt. I pitched the stoplight system because that was one that seemed to be the most common one from what I researched.

He responded with telling me everything he would do to me, what he would want me to do. It was so beautifully brutal, in a way that immediately went to my cunt. He said that I wouldn’t need a safe-word with him because he knew what he was doing. Despite all the alarm bells going off in my head, I still went forward with meeting him. The first time he stopped by my work and we just chatted with me at the window of his car, he wanted me to join him but I said I couldn’t be gone for too long, and I ran off. He wanted more of me and I did end up at his apartment.

He was so mean to me, throwing me around, slapping me, throat fucking me to the point of vomiting. He loved fucking my ass. I didn’t want him to, but he forced his way in and I didn’t have a safe-word to get him to stop. It felt amazing the first time, I loved feeling his cock slide past my tight hole and I could feel it pressing against the inside of my pussy too. The pain was scary at first, but he worked himself in nicely. That was the first and last time it felt that good. Every time after, he would ignore my pleas and force it in, pound me relentlessly bent in half. He called me such disgusting things, and I felt so good.

But I was scared of him still, I didn’t have that one control of stopping the situation. I met up with this “dom” a few times between the ages of 18 and 21, even though I would go months ignoring him because of the vile things he’d say to me and his weird possession over me. I never agreed to be /his/ submissive, he didn’t have rules for me to follow, he didn’t give aftercare or give me room to explore with him. I was terrified of talking to him whenever we had a “scene” because he wouldn’t let me say no or work me into things anymore. He wasn’t a good dom, just wanted me as his fuck sleeve and personal toy.

I miss it so much, I miss the way he treated me. Both of my partners now are amazing, the sex is great and they listen to me so well, but I’m a dom to one, and the other is more vanilla. My puppy has fun kinks that turn us both on immensely and playing with him is the highlight of my life. My more vanilla partner, Daddy, doesn’t have much going when it comes to kinks, he just likes whatever I like and is happy to participate in what I ask for, likes pleasuring me. But I miss the aggression that J used with me, I miss the fear coursing through me whenever I got on my knees unsure what he’d do. I know I could tell Daddy that’s what I want, but Daddy isn’t experienced in those rougher forms of play and I don’t think I’m experienced enough to show him how to do it. That’s it I guess, just something I wanted to get off my chest.