I feel a bit like I am living a double life, but I’m okay with it.

I grew up Catholic, and along with that came the Catholic guilt. I never would have ever discussed my sexual desires with anyone. That was the norm.

That doesn’t mean they didn’t exist. They did. I’ve been addicted to porn since I was about 12 or 13 years old. I didn’t realize it then, but that is exactly what it is. I have never talked about it with anyone in my real life.

I’m married. My wife is under the illusion that I don’t watch porn. I decided that I wanted it that way. I feel like as soon as I let her in, it changes what it is for me.

I know that most people would say this is unhealthy, and it may be.

But part of my addiction is that I love the secrecy of it. I love that I can be into whatever I want and it’s mine. I don’t have to share that with anyone else. Selfish. Yeah. But I feel like I live a mostly selfless life. This is my thing, and I get off on knowing it’s my secret.

Can anyone else relate? I love it and don’t want to change, but curious if others feel the same way.