Like...I have a sex drive, of sorts, definitely. I masturbate a lot. I watch a ton of porn. All of that. But like...the idea of actually having sex isn't really all that appealing? Part of it is that I have no idea what I'm doing, I get self-conscious about that, and therefore it makes me uncomfortable. And honestly, I feel the same way about pretty much everything that involves any sort of intimate/affectionate physical contact; I'm never quite sure how to respond to it and then I feel put on the spot, so even though for example hugs feel nice I'm also busy panicking about how to hug back without either underdoing or overdoing it. And obviously sex is even more complex and involved than that. I am, at this point, 32 and have zero sexual experience outside of the internet, which just exacerbates the self-consciousness.

And I love sexuality. I love women who are open and comfortable when it comes to sex. Women who would typically be described as sluts are awesome. Partly I'm just kinda in awe of the idea of being that comfortable with sex, with your body, etc etc. Partly the confidence is super, super attractive. Certainly in terms of sexual interaction...I mean, I do want and enjoy sexual interaction, but I do need it to be with a woman who will take the lead, and be assertive, and all of that, so those are qualities I'm attracted to. Some have suggested I'm looking for a woman who's dominant, but that implies a cruelty that I'm not into at all. I definitely want a kinder, more comforting and nurturing presence (any time a woman says "good boy" to me I just about melt, TBH). Was lucky enough to meet a woman taller than me recently and even just talking to her felt really nice, the idea of her being bigger and stronger and giving off the sort of protective aura that one generally associates with men was really comforting and I ended up with a huge crush on her as a result. And like, I enjoy sexuality in itself, rather than just as a means to get to orgasms...I kinda find orgasms to be overrated, honestly. Not that they're not fun, they definitely are, but once they happen the horniness goes away and then it just feels a bit meh, I guess. Women's orgasms, on the other hand...I'm all about those. I love hearing about women getting off, I love hearing what gets them off, I love hearing about great sex they had, I love knowing they're cumming. As much as I have so many complicated feelings about the idea of having sex, defining sex here as the insertion of a penis into someone else, I am absolutely 100% very keen to go down on a woman. I want that far more than I want anything else, sexually.

And this focus on women's pleasure kinda makes my virginity easier to deal with, I guess? Like, women are out having awesome sex with guys who know what they're doing in bed and all of that, instead of my clueless ass, and they're better off as a result, y'know? It may even be a subconsciously-developed coping strategy, who knows. But like, that's why I can fall for a friend of mine and then listen to her brag about how amazing her husband is in bed, and how well endowed he is, and enjoy it. I mean, honestly...my dick is entirely average, but there's kinda a part of me that wouldn't mind if it was smaller, just to sort of enhance the these-other-people-fucking-is-a-good-outcome notion of it all, I guess?

I'm not really sure how to explain that in particular, but I'm also not sure how to explain any of this really. Come investigate my brain with me?