Posted before about taking notes on my issues with dpdr, I’ve written down a bunch more and would just like to update y’all. Thanks for helping everyone, idk what I would do without you guys.

Mental health

When falling sleep, imagining weird shapes bloating and expanding in to almost what is like a fourth demension, something that is impossible to exist in reality. Now that I am more awake because of typing this, I can’t even wrap my head around or comprehend these shapes.

Woke up and reality was warping and twisting like water rippling.

Sudden strong belief that I am just a brain in a jar imagining things. Then started having a severe panic attack, as I thought I was going to be unplugged for figuring it out. Was in real extreme fear.

Recently my voice feels like it doesn’t belong to me. Scared to talk because its so strange. It feels like someone else is talking for me and I’m just thinking about what I want to say. It also sounds different, echoing in my head.

Feel trapped inside my mind, all I am is inside my head. My body has never felt so detached. Imagine putting cameras on sunglasses and giving them to a friend. If they look down at their body and you look through the cameras, that’s how it feels when I look at myself. It’s like I’m stuck behind a glass wall in my mind, watching the world go by but not being able to interact. I am afraid I will never get better and I will have to kill my self to make this stop. It’s pure suffering.

Scared to fall asleep as I don’t want to stop thinking. Afraid of not being conscious as it is similar to being dead.

As I fall asleep and close my eyes, my thoughts actually become audible at times, but only for a short 1 second flash of noise. Like I’d be saying a sentence in my head and one word of the sentence would suddenly be audible for me and then I wouldn’t hear it again for another minute or so. Same thing with pictures. I can imagine pictures and stuff but occasionally I’ll see a flash of one of them like visually. These only happen as I’m waking up or falling asleep.

Sudden extreme confusion about being alive. How am I able to think? How am I actually alive if all I am is just atoms interacting with other atoms in a particular way? Am I even alive? Just being conscious right now seems so foreign and strange, I don’t know what or how I am. I’m constantly aware of the overwhelming unreality. The awareness of being aware and the thought of being “real” freaks me out.

Confused about my body. My heart is beating by itself and i can’t control it, and I know that’s normal but at the same time it’s becoming scary to me that there are parts of me that are keeping me alive that I have no control over. Thinking of this makes me feel even more detached from my own body, again being trapped inside my head.

Closed my eyes and started listening to music and then something strange happened. I can’t even explain it properly or give justice to how crazy this was, but I’ll try my best. Since I closed my eyes my vision was gone and all I had was the music. So it was like I was transported to another world where all there was is noise. I completely forgot about my surroundings and felt as if I were floating in space, perfectly black everywhere and only music was everywhere. It was like I retreated into my mind further than I ever have before with this issue. I couldn’t do anything but listen, I couldn’t even think. It was so peaceful I felt as though I had died. Then the music turned to the next song. The break in between the two songs brought nothingness and I started panicking and took off my headphones, then I was sucked back into the real world. I hate this. I just want to be normal again. I would give anything to go back and stop myself from smoking that weed.

When walking I feel as if it’s not me walking. Like I’m limp inside an exoskeleton and it’s moving for me. I’ll think for my body to do something and it will do it, but it’s not me doing it. Like a first person video game, you tell the character where to go and what to do, but it’s not actually you.

When I am in a room with other people, it’s like they’re immaterial, like they’re not solid or real. My family and my friends feel like strangers to me. If they’re talking to me, it’s like there’s a filter or barrier between us, and even though I try to pay attention, I’m not processing what they’re saying at all. Constantly telling people to repeat themselves or that I can’t hear them and feel like I’m being an ass for wasting people’s time talking to me. It feels like I’m not aware of what I’m saying half the time, or at the very least I am unaware of where the words are coming from.

Was having a good day with no issues, very rare these days. Then I heard that someone nearby died from cancer and I was instantly sucked back into my mind prison and was detached from myself and reality again. I can see a clear pattern now that anxiety brings this out. But at the same time it can occur randomly without even being stressed.

Extreme struggle with sleeping. Currently 5:11 AM and I’m not even tired. When I close my eyes my mind is racing with thoughts left and right constantly and I can’t get it to shut up. My body feels detached again, but that’s normal at this point.

Haven’t snapped back into reality since yesterday yet, it’s as bad as when it started again. This time though I’m not as scared anymore because I know what it is.

Friend smoked weed and he’s having the issue where his voice doesn’t belong to him as well. Why don’t they tell us that this is a risk that can happen with weed. Makes me angry.

Feeling very sad and suicidal right now. Literally have to force myself not to do something to hurt myself. The urge is similar to being hungry or thirsty and wanting to get get something to eat or drink. Very strong.

Headache is not going away. Been here for weeks now. Worried about brain cancer from the CT scan I had a few months back. I’m such a hypochondriac.

Feeling unworthy of being alive rn. I’m not contributing anything to society and all I do is sit around at home being a fucking loser.

Feel upset that I’m not normal. I get one fucking chance at life and I’m born with autism, OCD, ADHD and now I have psychosis. It’s not fair that I don’t get to experience life the way a normal person does. I feel like an outcast. Like no one understands me. It’s lonely not having anyone to relate to with these kinds of issues. Everything makes me uncomfortable, I’m never comfortable.

Overwhelming sense that nothing is real. More than usual. It’s scary. My surroundings feel fake, fabricated, like they’re not really there. I feel detached from reality similar to being detached from my body with my depersonalization. Almost like I’ve shifted realities. Nothing has meaning and I have no motivation for anything anymore. I’m emotionally numb. I’m lying in my bed right now but it doesn’t even feel like I am. My psychiatrist appointment isn’t for a few months and I don’t know if I can last that long.