This is my third time coming to DIA and my first time leaving the airport, so I think I might know a thing or two about how things are done here. Today I was leaving back to Los Angeles and some wannabe "native" got off the train, walked AROUND the escalators, past 260 metric tons of cellulite that he was supposed to stand behind, and went through a door. When I got to the top of the escalator, he was already walking down the concourse! Not cool!

I tried catching up to him to give him a piece of my mind, but as I got into line on the horizontal man-meat-mover, he had the nerve to walk around the device and continue marching down the concourse.

At this point I was furious. This man just walked around civilized society like he owned the place. But he kept walking, and I could only stand on the man-meat-mover for so long. I asked the airport staff to allow me to ride on their cool go-karts so I could help them identify and apprehend this criminal, but they only laughed and drove off.

These fake natives are ruining any and all decency in this once great state. We need better and more intrusive security at DIA or I will be taking a boat next time.