Beware the wall o' text.

TL;DR: every good intention, request, prayer, or dream/goal I send out gets twisted into the worst case scenario. I've tried uncrossing myself a few times. No dice. Letting go and going with the flow works great so long as I don't think about anything that isn't directly in front of my face. Only Santa Muerte managed to (barely) breakthrough this doom shaka lock on me. Pls send help.

Let me start by saying I'm sorta middle road, heavily leaning towards the left hand path. I flirted with Demonolatry nearly a decade ago but was rather intimidated so dropped it until very recently. Same with many other practices. I'm one of those interfaith cherry pickers. I'm respectful to all but only use what helps and resonates personally.

I was raised in a religiously/spiritually open home. I was encouraged to explore on my own, ask questions, etc. Angels, fairies, and Hindu deities were common figures around my mother's house, with the first two frankly making me uncomfortable after a time.

In the last few years, I've been dabbling in Paganism and have recently taken up with Santa Muerte.

Overall, things have been well. Other than this last year where I was pretty closed off spiritually, I've been progressing, finding my comfort zone and personal pantheon, and just this week had a couple of wonderful spiritual experiences.

Sounds good, right?

Well, for at least six years now, no matter who I go to for help, (barring angels and fairies as, again, ew) whatever I pray for takes a turn for the worse.

For example, a relative needed money. I prayed that they'd get a good tax return. Instead they got a notice saying they supposedly hadn't filed twelve years ago and would be audited if they didn't get proof in by the end of the week.

If I pray for good health, someone or myself comes down with a flu or worse. If I pray for swift legal action, something comes out of left field and clogs up the gears. If I even get excited about something and dare think about it "too much" or gasp! plan for it to make sure it will all run smoothly, everything falls through, often catastrophically (death, fire, etc.)

I know it sounds like hyperbole but these things have repeatedly, consistently happened. If I don't pray or "overthink", everything runs smoothly, with maybe a couple hiccups here and there, but nothing dramatic or unexpected.

I've tried a number of uncrossing spells, rituals, and chants to no avail.

It's a real helpless feeling when you can't even send good wishes to a loved one without fear they'll total their only car, or when you can't plan to live with your spouse without worrying they're going to keel over the day before they move in.

(My New Age-y friends say to just go with the flow and live in the moment. While that is good advice that I do actually live by, that doesn't help lift this paranoia. No one should ever be afraid to plan ahead or dream.)

The only time I've ever had remotely what I asked for was after praying to Santa Muerte every day for weeks. Every time, it felt like I was talking into a pillow, rather than to someone or out into the Universe. Every utterance felt more exhausting than the last to the point where I dreaded doing it. Finally it got through and I was given what I needed, but man, I don't remember a simple prayer feeling like a fight when I was a kid. If I remember correctly, so long as I wasn't a brat about it, I got what I wanted just by asking.

I'm at my wits end. I need help. Any thoughts or advice?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. 💚