Hi.

I am lonely, but I love attention. Idk what this will be, but I'm looking for someone to talk with or maybe even help me on my batshit insane chronically online endeavors. I'm looking for this to develop naturally into something, whatever that is, but I suppose I feel most at home when interacting with a domme.

I use porn to cope with suicidal ideation, and I've played around with those feelings as a kink before. It alarms people, but like, I don't have a history of harming or attempting to harm myself (unless you want to say the porn is a form of self harm but yeah). I like extreme emotional sadomasochism. It is what it is. You're not going to make me actually hurt myself, and I'm not afraid to assert boundaries or use outside resources if shit hits the fan. I used to do this stuff with my old domme, but I think I scared her away and tbh it was too tame sometimes how she encouraged me. The thing with the "porn addiction," I've been looking at porn about at least an hour every day since I was a pre teen. I look at almost everything porn and hentai wise, except illegal shit and legally questionable shit (ai, barely legal, nudes, and amateur porn makes me uncomfortable in general). However, I'm still extreme lol. I've been looking at ero guro (gore hentai) as soon as I became a teenager so yeah... It's the only thing that makes me happy right now, and I think it'd be fun to explore extreme stuff like that before I get healthy in therapy (which I am in the process of right now).

About some of the psychology behind porn use... I use porn to cope because ultimately I want a girlfriend, and it makes me feel lonely. I know it won't fix everything, but I don't feel loved lol. Porn makes me feel loved. If it bothers you that I'm mostly only talking to you because I don't get much female attention (I still have standards btw), then you probably don't understand where I'm coming from or what I'm dealing with, and I'm not for you.

I guess I'm going to objectify you, push boundaries, get a little bratty and bitchy when you try take away my porn or our sexual interactions, and scare and shock you with my fantasies. I hope you see that I don't want to hurt you, but it will probably happen to an extent because I'm mentally ill and sometimes have severe trouble with empathy. I can be an asshole. I have trouble connecting with people because of the years of isolation and an avoidant attachment style. I crave intimacy though. I was vulnerable with my domme, and I don't think she knows what she was doing because she just ended up ghosting me and couldn't communicate with me.

I like making women cry, the thought of torturing them, and raping them in a cnc sense. That made my last domme uncomfortable. Besides being a huge sadist, I'm a huge emotional masochist so I have no verbal limits. You can trigger my trauma whenever you want. I like dark ageplay too, and I have a little side. Too much ageplay gets boring though. I might have ADD or something because I like to jump between topics a lot.

Some other random things... I get very angry sometimes, but not at people or dommes. It's moreso when I feel passively suicidal I want to take it out on the world in my head, hence the sadistic and snuff fantasies. Again, not actually interested in anyone being hurt, it's probably just an empowerment thing for me not feeling loved or having a girlfriend. Psychology is weird, and my psychology is no exception. I'm bi too, but my sexuality gets expressed weirdly. Switch and sub-leaning. I have trouble with communication, but I'm self-aware to an extent. I try to use my limited tools to communicate. Be direct and blunt. If I don't understand, then please explain. When you don't, it makes me very angry and the sadistic feelings come and I can get callous or be an asshole to my domme when I don't mean it. I'm ok with stepping back because I don't want to irritate you, but from experience it will happen so yeah. I have a huge ego. I'm mature in some ways, but stunted in others.

If you're a sub or just a person who'd like to talk long-term, then cool. I like attention like I said, and I'd like you to help me get better a bit like a micro therapist or an ugly duckling project but my domme couldn't handle it so it's whatever I guess. I like to infodump and be tmi and asked anything you want or being made to confess because it's hot to me. Lots of trauma as you can imagine. I have a lot of ideas for trying to pull play partners or having dynamics too so if you'd like to hear those too without getting jealous or being unreasonably immature then that'd be cool. Immaturity is fine if you're honest about it though.

Idk what else to say lol. We can talk kinks and limits and a LOT about consent and safewords, but like I have no real expectations. I'm just sharing what I used to do with my domme before she stopped trying. If you just want to make me feel better that's fine too. I like gentle stuff and praise. If you want to communicate, be aware that I might withdraw if you hurt me in a bad way. I guess I try to be down to earth and blunt though. Sometimes I say stuff that gets misinterpreted a lot because idk how to talk to people, so please try to listen to what I mean instead of my words. I think someone very patient and open-minded is ideal, whatever our interaction ends up being, but like, realistically there's gonna be something that's too much for you. This post is off-putting and undited for a reason. I'd rather not fluff it up into something cute lol. It wouldn't work long-term.

Anyways... hmu with asl and what drew you to my post. I'd like to talk on discord eventually after that, and verifying would be cool. Chats preferred. You must be 18 and at least femme-ish btw. See ya :)