I’ve been deconstructing for several years, and finally left the church that my family and I have attended for the past 20 years. My deconstruction started in 2015 when our church voted to not allow same sex marriage in the church even though the denomination (Presbyterian USA) and state (NC) allowed it. It broke my heart to know that the community I had grown to love and who had been so supportive of my family were so intolerant of the LGBTQIA community. I’m also bisexual and was still closeted (even from myself!) at the time.

We got a new pastor a year ago. He is much more conservative than the former one. I had a couple of one-on-one conversations with him and in those conversations he expressed to me that he thought that bisexual people were promiscuous folks who couldn’t make up their mind. He also suggested that maybe my parents hadn’t paid enough attention to me or given me enough love when I was younger.

I really tried to stay, but I was not in the same place theologically as the church anymore at all. I appreciated the community but I also didn’t want to spend a few hours a week in a place where I would just sit and get frustrated in order to placate my spouse.

My wife loves the church and feels strongly that she and the kids need to go every week. At first I got a few judgmental guilt trips about not going (what will the kids say?). Thats pretty much gone away but now I get “suggestions” on how I should spend my time Sunday mornings. It hurts that she seems so committed to a place that seems so intolerant. She is not the kind of person who questions things or thinks really deeply about things. And I’ve accepted that a long time ago.

Has anyone else navigated going through deconstruction with a spouse who is still committed to the church and made it work?