Hi Internet.

Half a year ago I met the most amazing man. We quickly entered a fuckbuddy relation to each other. We agreed from the beginning that neither of us was interested in a relationship, but quickly we grew very close and it got very intense. During this period I started doing less drugs (I’m an addict, and tomorrow I hit 3 months clean) and taking my school more serious, and I have him to thank for it, because he inspired me to be way better. He started filling more and more in my life. Helped me move into my new place, painted my house, came and cuddled me when I had nightmares and he’s generally been there, straight from the beginning. We still agreed that we weren’t interested in involving romantically with each other, but since we acted very relationship-y, I got more and more confused and hurt and poured all this love into our relation without it being reciprocated. Which was hurtful and exhausting to say the least.

I recently discovered I’m gender fluid. We had a long talk about it where I spoke to him about some of my sexual insecurities, regarding this. Since I have a female body, I will feel very dysphoric when I’m masc-leaning and he’s straight as an arrow, so I felt “oh he’s only attracted to my female/feminine physical qualities” and he asked me if I needed a break since our relation had started as purely physical and with us being attracted to each other sexually. Now this is when I told him about my confusion according to the whole couple ordeal, and me spending romantic energy on him without getting any back and long story short he came by yesterday and we talked about it. We came to the conclusion that I need some time alone to heal and start accepting and caring for my self, and all this validation and love I seek in other people, I need to learn to give to myself. We’re still friends but agreed that we shouldn’t be as much in contact right now, since I first of all need to heal from him and then start healing from the inside.

Since I’ve made this decision, I’ve promised myself that I’m going to be conscious about my healing this time. I have a huge tendency to just go on autopilot and just do without thinking, and this time around I won’t have it. I’ve given myself a few rules, which involve no dating apps and no seeking validation by posting provoking pics and the like.

Now what I need you amazing peoples’ help for is how do I go about this? What are some good self care and self love routines? How do I start fully accepting myself? I know it would be a good idea to start therapy, and I’m actually in contact with a psychiatric department to start group therapy with other people who suffer from BPD. But how do I stay conscious in this? To keep choosing myself and spot the behaviour I don’t like and want to work on and get better at.

I would really love to hear input from all of you.

TLDR: After a very intense and wonderful FWB arrangement I’ve decided to go solo and focus on myself. Please help me with your input and advice

Thank you so much in advance!