Hello,

I am trying to be better...

I have a tsundoku(a pile of unread books)

I have a meek and deferential, fearful way of living that when I lock my door and breathe I almost get over.

I want to learn how to sit and focus and do math.

I want to wake up early.

I want to take care of myself (hygiene etc)

The material nature of my life is sooo greatly improved lately. My mental struggles are also soooo greatly improved.

So now I just have to work hard and not feel so self concious around people who have always torn me down which I think stems from my own self hatred being read by them.

I also don't know how to take mental space. I'm working on not being a piece of gum on the pavement. I feel fear when I think of doing things for myself that come purely from my own desire.