Let me just say Im neuro divergent. Im also gonna be honest about my many flaws and issues. I am not perfect and and am at times my own worst enemy.

In terms of romance, unfortunately I only tend to find muscular women attractive. I have tried to get past this but I just have no interest in normal women. I just dont find them physically desirable or exciting any more. Fit women kind of ruined the average woman for me unfortunately because no matter how pretty they are, it just cant compare to the excitement of a strong, fit woman and I cant pretend they can.

But on my fault, I am fat. I let depression and loneliness get to me and I often comfort eat. I cant really be surprised that fit women wouldnt want me since I let myself go so much. I am 120kg. I did try to lose weight , last year in Jan I weighed 133kg and got to 120 by june but have hovered there since and made no progress since. I also tend to lash out like a child or toddler. Like I get angry when Im ignored online by women I message on websites etc. i know how illogical that is. I just can be very mean and say spiteful things. I feel very bitter about life in some ways.

Like theres a wrestler chick on tiktok who is super buff and christian and her boyfriend. I feel so jealous of him and resentful that he could find someone like her and I cant. And my head says it knows to say “good for them and hope they are happy” but my true emotions just feel angry and resentful90 over it.

I have been to therapy and know enough to know I lash out from my own pain and that I have that childish side to me I dislike and want to control but I still find it hard.

I have been so spiteful to some people they wont forgive me even though I truly am sorry. And while I am truly sorry, a partof me also feels like it is pointless to be if I cant be forgiven. Like I am sorry even without the forgiveness but the angry side of me just thinks “why be sorry? I wont be forgiven so its meaningless.” They say forgive yourself but thats not who you need forgiveness from. Its the person they hurt. But they dont have to forgive you and I know that. But I cant help but feel bitter about it. Despite knowing I caused it and its my fault. I tend to forgive almost anything because I know how itmfeels to be truly sorry and not forgiven so I try to at least practice what I preach there. But I just have so many mixed feelings over it. Like I dont feel I can truly move on or find redemption without those people forgiving me so I tend to go back and keep trying when I should leave them be. I do try to leave them be, and for a while it works, but I always feel that pain and guilt and I know its selfish of me but I just feel like I NEED that forgiveness to move on. I dont know how else to explain it. I want to do better. I also have become a bit of an asshole and I even accepted it. It made me feel at least in control and that Iwasnt the one being hurt for once. I was mean to others on purpose online and took out my pain on others . Im just tired of it. I wanna be a good person but I feel like theres that side of me who tries hard to be decent but the side of me that feels anger and pain towards the world who says no, keep just being mean because its better than just smiling as the world fucks you over. Defiance almost.

I just want to be a decent person. I need to try and fix my life. Get fit. I wanted to be by 41 november but maybe not now. But hopefully by 42. I want to get fit and mentally healthy so maybe I can at least try and meet my dream woman even if it doesnt happen. Its that negative voice that says “why bother they wont want you and even if you get fit etc its no guarentee you will find love.”

I want to be better. I want to be who I can be sometimes. I used to spend time on depression forums like these just trying to listen to others and help with my own experiences. Not being mean or lashing out because Im hurting.

Im hoping I can finally have the strength to turn my life around mentally and physically. I feel so lonely and bitter I missed out in life like a first kiss, first love, marriage etc. but instead of focusing on that, i want to focus in what I still might have, and the things I do have. To try and be glad for what I do enjoy in life. Im trying to be better. And tomorrow I begin again. Thanks for reading.