My heart is confused, I have a big one that bares more weight than I wish to carry most days.

My biggest supporter has been and always will be my goober as it stands, and I know not to use the other word. I don’t know how to feel about some things lately… I am seeing and feeling things that hadn’t been as noticeable as before and then I get scared in my head and can’t even admit it out loud because everything I touch dies.

Some moments it feels, I too have died.

Each morning I try to crawl out of my hole I keep sinking comfortably into. Although it’s not comfortable, it’s agonizing and familiar to put it into better terms.

I feel more hopeful being able to say it’s only moments I feel I’ve died, when it used to feel like days.

Today moments I mostly felt good, I made some silly decisions into the morning far later than intended, but I did not crave it further during the day as I have before. I admitted some defeats to those around me as well and tried to offer my own suppers to a likeminded individual. I feel confident when I am able to apply myself in healthier managed ways, and when I feel I can help someone smile amidst the chaos.

The end of it all, to look back on, shakes me to my core. The pain feels unbearable to admit some days and allowing the realities of the negative to take up space in my brain, only hurts further. Why wasn’t I enough as I was? Why couldn’t you love the woman who caught your eye? Did I evoke a newfound love in you as I lost every intricate part of myself? When I peeled off my layers for you so I could become small, did you fall harder? Or was it when I ripped the skin off my bones to change every fibre of my being that enticed you to want to keep going?

I didn’t want to leave, I wanted to remember the love as I had last saw it, the real and truly raw moments. The instances where I felt my eyes intertwine with yours as if we were able to see the same world again, where my heart felt like it began to match the beat of yours and my body wanted to walk and lay next to you for an eternity.

Then I snap back to reality and realize none of that was real… perhaps the mirage was, but when you rewind the tapes, you did not love me for who I was, for if you did, you wouldn’t have let my spark go out to ignite your own. You wouldn’t have needed other people to validate I indeed lost it and continue to stomp on it and piss on it to be sure it didn’t come back.

Although I hurt, I remember I am a phoenix and I will rise from the ashes. It is in the deepest pits of despair that we are forced to grow. A fight I didn’t want with myself, I now embrace, I long for the parts of me that still scream to be seen and loved. I am no longer grieving you, I get to grieve myself now.

I know I will be able to apply myself in the most important areas of my life once this semi confidence blossoms into what I deserve. I am trying very hard although it may not seem it from the outside, I have hope. Hope will always prevail in the sands of time.

I am worthy, I am kind, I am loving, I am strong. I forgive myself for how I’ve chosen to evade ny reality thinking I could not handle my pain.

While I love myself through that, I do not forgive myself for continuing to overcome my issues at minimal effort. I deserve all of me and so do those who love me.

Life has more to offer, I have more to offer. Today I will look for 5 things to be thankful and happy for. Today I will rest and choose me, proving that I am worthy.

Please don’t give up on me, and please don’t manipulate my fragile state further. My strength is coming back and love and support without mind games helps me to flourish and believe it can be done.

Today, I hope for myself regardless of those who can’t. Today I will begin to overcome the combatting thoughts, as it is my own thoughts that matter first.

I am resilient and I deserve love, we all do.