I have a history of liking guys who do not like me back. I realize that this has been an ongoing problem ever since I was a child. I’ve never liked anyone who genuinely liked me or had positive feelings towards me. I've only had unrequited crushes, 2 abusive ex boyfriends who cheated on me, and flings who I caught feelings for but who didn't like me back. I have a history of liking guys who just so happen to turn out to be players, womanizers, and cheaters. I want to change my narrative, but it has been a lifelong struggle. It's just so strange to me that every single time I find any random person attractive, they aren't nice to me.

I still continue to have feelings for guys even after I realize they aren't going to treat me right. I wish that I could be deterred by them as soon as they mistreat me, but I continue to be attracted to them. I've never fallen for someone for reasons other than appearance tbh. I don't know how to. I've tried dating ppl I didn't feel an initial attraction towards, but attraction never developed. I have ideas of personality traits I'd want in a partner-- kindness, compassion, intelligence, ambition. But the guys I like never turn out to be decent people with redeeming qualities beyond appearance.

Here is an example. There’s this guy who is sometimes nice to me but is rude and dismissive most of the time. When he's nice, he sets my heart aflutter. When he's mean, I get upset initially but then make excuses for him. I feel like I continue to feel infatuated by and attracted to him no matter how he acts towards me bc I'm so physically attracted to him. I also have an annoyingly high sex drive and feel horny when I see him.

I keep telling myself that I deserve to be treated better.. and yet I keep meeting guys that treat me like I don't matter. I realize I must be part of the problem. I allow this shitty behavior. I need to change. I am in therapy and my therapist is aware of this issue. I've read a lot of self help books. I feel I need to rewire my brain or something.

Btw, I typed this draft up but it didn't save so I had to rewrite all of it :( So it might sound clunky. It sounded much better before.

Edit: I’ve been in therapy for all my adulthood