I’m 23f. I’m not even going to explain my thought process or situation when I was 19. It doesn’t matter.

When I was 19 I dated a 16 year old at my job. I broke up with him after 3 months because it was weird and fucked. Then I dated a 17 year old but he was turning 18. We never had sex, his parents didn’t care, and for 10 months he called me names, he hid his insecurity because teasing me, and he still tries to contact me 3 years after. I honestly feel like he really nailed it in my head I am nothing to anybody and I still believe it because he made it a point to show me that it’s true.

It’s been 3 years and I’ve not moved on from this. I don’t want him, I’m not moving on from dating kids.

I’m not working because I can’t. I can’t be around people anymore, I can’t be young and not stress. I don’t like going out because I fuck up. I cry, I break down. I annoy people just trying to do their job and get home.

I don’t want anyone younger than me. I always been grossed out by guys younger than me. I guess that’s why I don’t know why I did that. Nobody would believe me, which is why I don’t want to live. Like, nobody would believe them.

I know I’m most peoples eyes I’m a pedofile, and I’m not sure how I can forgive myself and live my short life.

I’m watching this true crime story and this 18 year old is dating a 16 -17 year old, and the true crime YouTuber said “really? You couldn’t find a girl your own age?” And she is right.

I had no excuse. I made those choices. I feel like I should just be alone forever, because I probably fucked them up somehow. My ex contacted me recently saying he was in rehab and my art helped him. He was under another account because he stalks me. I probably groomed him.

My therapist tells me it isn’t that bad and that age gap doesn’t make me evil and gross. But I disagree.

What can I do?