I posted a while back after taking waaay too long to find this sub, but I (36 regular (?) libido male) wanted to post sort of an update to the extent that it’ll be helpful to anyone here going through a new dead bedroom MD situation.

Wife had a stroke 6 years ago along with a major vaginal hemorrhage relating to retained placental tissue. Was right after our only kid was born. Hospital for 8 weeks, most of it ICU. Obviously, it was a hard time. Her road to recovery was long, and continues, but the upshot is that she lost all desire to have sex, and when we tried, it was painful. It’s been maybe 4 years since we last had sex.

The first two years were the worst: I went through the roller coaster of emotions that many of you have or will have: is this my new reality, or Will it improve? Will we ever have sex again? Why can’t I just be happy she’s alive? Am I just a gross horny dude? How am I going to live the rest of my life with this person who is so very different than the person I married?

First: If you’re there now, I can say that those feelings subsided with time. They didn’t go away, but they subsided. Go back and read this if you’re considering anything rash.

Second: I started having sex with other people around three years ago. She doesn’t know. Obviously, this is not ideal situation to be in, but it’s helped me rediscover a sense of self that was missing. I’m a better husband and parent because of it, if you can imagine. Finding suitable APs isn’t easy, but even something as simple as a chat partner goes a long way.

Finally: i don’t have all the answers, and Im not saying my path should be yours. But I can say that without putting yourself and your needs first, you’ll only continue to spiral. Take a deep breath, assess, and move forward. We are here for you.