Just a bit of a catch up/vent.

About 2 weeks ago I told my partner I needed a break. I honestly expected him to say “if we take a break we are done” but he didn’t. I left and went to a friends house.

There has been a little conversation between my partner and I but not much. I’ve been trying to use this time to focus on myself and figure out what I want for my life.

I did talk on a dating app with some men. I was open about my situation and that I was not looking to cheat on my partner. I even met up with a couple guys from the app just to talk. Honestly I feel a little guilty about this but I think it was important for me to know that, if we break up, there is a life for me on the other side and that I could meet someone new.

Most of the people I talked with are polyamorous. This lifestyle has become more appealing to me after being in two DB relationships as a f hl. I feel like I’ve been hurt by the constraints of monogamy and want to avoid that in the future. Polyamory feels like something worth exploring.

I have missed my partner a lot…but not as much as I expected to. I was lucky to be staying with a friend and to have work to keep me busy. My therapist said I seemed more relaxed.

My partner and I planned to meet to talk. We ended up meeting today last minute. Even going to meet him I felt kind of…numb. But it needed to happen. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to say but I did know I wasn’t ok with just going back to the status quo.

I came inside the house and hugged one of the cats. I heard him in the kitchen. He asked if he could have a hug. I said of course.

From there I basically broke apart. We hugged and kissed and cried and said how much we loved and missed each other. And then we got into it.

He said he’s open to couples therapy again and had a list of therapists to call included sex therapists.

We talked about how much we struggle with working as a team. It’s so frustrating bc we go round and round in circles only to find that we agree in many ways…we just communicate differently so we think we disagree. I told him we have to work that out.

We talked a little about the sex part. I did not mention poly. I wanted to but the timing just didn’t feel right. I asked if he thought we could resolve the sex part and he said yes.

Then…we had sex. He really wanted to. I wanted to want to but I was just full of emotion and wasn’t turned on. But I went forward with it bc it felt important to me to reconnect in that way. I was happy to kiss and cuddle and cry.

So now I’m here. I think I’ll move back in and see if we can move forward. I’ll ask him to call therapists on Monday and try to get appointments scheduled. Maybe just phone consultations at first so we can find one we like. Honestly, I’m not sure how I feel. Maybe not optimistic…but also I think I have more trust that if this doesn’t work out I’ll be ok.

It’s been an exhausting day.