Hello all, I’m a 36 married female and I’m new here. I am grateful I found this thread as I feel I have no one to talk to. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and together for 10 years. We are best friends and he is a good man. We have been dealing with intimacy issues for about 8 of those ten years. I have tried almost everything to get him excited and nothing works. He blames it on his weight gain and his lack of self esteem. And whenever I confront his with it, I feel like I’m kicking someone when they are down. I’m rejected probably about 10-15 times a month. But now I don’t even bother with sex anymore. I’m tired of asking, tired of being rejected, tired of feeling like I’m not beautiful or sexy. This has manifested into how I view myself. I look in the mirror and say “no wonder why he doesn’t want you”.
We took a trip to London earlier this month and we went to a pub our first night. It was a great night. We were talking like we first started dating, laughing and had a little buzz. I found myself wanting him physically and I couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel room. I threw myself at him, I was very excited and really wanted him. He of course rejected me and he fell asleep. I sobbed the rest of the night. I never felt so embarrassed of myself and what a fool I sounded like. At the moment I felt I ruined the whole trip. Ever since then it’s like a light switch has been flipped off. I don’t want him sexually anymore. I don’t want to take my clothes off in front of him or touch him. I don’t even want to masturbate anymore. I’m so embarrassed of myself. Anytime I even think about touching myself, I’m reminded of that night and I get emotional and ashamed of who I am sexually. Has anyone felt bad about themselves as a result of this? A part of me wants to have an affair (not that I would know who or how) but I feel I would even feel awful after. Another part of me wants to get a divorce and another part wants to fight for our marriage. I just am at a crossroads now and don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening