Almost 2 decades into a DB that was questionable from the start. I ignored early red flags, and that's on me. My partner is sexually unavailable at least in part to past trauma, which isn't their fault.

Honestly, it isn't the lack of sex that has left me scarred. The relationship is open, and if I had more self-esteem, I'd have looked for it elsewhere long ago.

It's the fact that we ever had sex in the first place. If the person I was entering a long-term, serious relationship with had made it plain to me that it was likely to be a several-night stand sexually, would I have consented? I don't know. Maybe--to see if it helped them. Maybe not. But I never had enough information to make that choice. I wish I hadn't consented now, but the reason I wish that is largely because I feel my consent wasn't informed. It didn't "count." Not for me. Not emotionally.

But there are a lot of other reasons for my anger.

If I'd known that person was going to say "maybe later" when they meant "never" each time I initiated afterward for the next year, I never would have consented.

If I'd known that person was going to give false reasons for what was happening--even going so far as to use my own disability as an excuse--rather than being honest with me, I never would have consented.

If I'd known that bringing up the lack of sex would lead to derisive comments about how needy and sex-obsessed I was, I would never have consented.

If I'd known that even bringing up how disrespected, used, and hurt I felt would result in repeated explosive, aggressive rage, I never would have consented.

I'm in middle age, and my scant youthful sexual experiences have done nothing but rob me of my sense of agency and self-esteem.

I am not angry that my partner doesn't have sex with me. I am angry that they were not honest with me. They used me, perhaps in a misguided attempt to overcome their own trauma, without giving me the information that I'd need to decide if I wanted to risk my feelings on that. Then they abandoned me emotionally, lying consistently until confronted. Now I have my own trauma to deal with.

My limited sexual history feels anything but mutual. That didn't happen because my partner has trauma. It happened because they chose to not respect my body and my agency. They put their need to try to heal ahead of my need to make well-informed decisions. After that, they then put their need to avoid the situation above my need to be informed again.

It isn't a crime to not have sex with your partner, LLs--and nobody should ever make you feel pressured to do something you are not comfortable with. But there is no excuse for misleading your partner or lying to them. Doing so removes their choices.