I (35m) HL and my wife (36f) LL have been together since March 2011. We’ve been in sex therapy for 1.5 years now. Nothing really seems to have changed on my end.

My wife and I have been in a DB for around 10ish years. I just realized this maybe 2 months ago. We have been in sex therapy for 1.5 years so far. After a few therapy sessions back in September / October I looked back on our relationship and realized that over the last 10 years I could literally count on one hand how many times we actually had sex, and it was fun and amazing to both of us, and that number was 5!

Five freaking times in 10 years. And mainly it made me sad and yes a little angry because, it’s not like I wasn’t trying to have sex with her. I was! In addition, our relationship started out and we were having frequent weekly sex. Sometimes more than once a day. Obviously I never expected that to last. But to go to literally zero? No way! Not in my worst nightmare. Every single time I would ask or try to initiate it was a no, or I’m tired, or I had a hard day / week @ work, or the kids really exhausted me, or not right now, or all you think about is sex!! etc….. I could understand if she was the primary care giver and I literally didn’t do much / anything. But it’s actually reversed for a lot.

Her job doesn’t have a specific end time so I am the one who picks up the kids every day. I also drop 1 of them off at daycare, the other two go to a before school program near my wife’s office so she drives them, I do the majority, 95% of the cooking, all the laundry, all the kitchen sink cleaning and loading / unloading of the dishwasher, all car maintenance, lawn stuff, playing with the lids, taking care of them when she has some weekends she needs to work the whole time, staying home with them when sick, staying home with all of them when locked down in March / April 2020. She does find fun things to do for us, and helps to plan some trips, and when she does have time she’ll help play with the kiddos but, for the most part it’s me.

So I just don’t get how she just will not / won’t try to initiate or try to be intimate with me. Like at all! And I said in a letter I wrote to her and read to her during therapy back in April like I’m reconsidering my stance against an open marriage because nothing is happening in my marriage. And I miss sex, intimacy, making out, seeing a beautiful woman naked and in lingerie. Like g-d what I wouldn’t give. And it’s not like I don’t compliment her and sometimes playfully smack her ass but, nothing. It’s like she’s dead inside.

I have told her, and I even said this way before we were married, that I wouldn’t want to be one of those sexless married couples. Yet here I am in this exact situation. Ughhh! It’s so damn frustrating. We’ve been to like 2 therapy sessions this past month where I haven’t asked for sex and have not made any attempts to initiate because she says she didn’t want that. So what happens? NOTHING still! I think even the therapist is wondering what’s going on with her a little. The only thing I can think of left to do is to tell her I think maybe we should consider a separation. Except how do you do that when financially we couldn’t pay for another place just for me? Have / do other people in DB’s do this? Any results? Or does it just lead to divorce? Honestly besides sex, intimacy, and touchy feely things she’s great for the most part.

I love her but I cannot and will not stay in a DB forever. The reason being is I didn’t marry to join the priesthood! I didn’t want to take a vow of celibacy! And I’ve told her this. Yet still nothing. I think the reason this is sort of hitting a head for me now is the kids are getting older, with my youngest being 3 and he’s potty trained, and she’s been done breastfeeding for at least 9 months I keep thinking to myself like I’m a bad example to my own kids of what a good relationship looks like! Because sure we may look normal on the outside but, on the inside we are far from normal intimacy and sex wise. The two key things in any marriage. I just keep thinking to myself if my kid(s) we’re in the same situation would I tell them or want them to stay in a marriage like mine? And I resoundingly come up with an emphatic NO! So if it wouldn’t be good for my kids then how in the hell could it be ok for me to be still in a sexless, intimacy(less) marriage? And I keep coming up with maybe I need to ask for a separation / divorce? I just know we’d both be worse off financially but, there’s only so much sexlessness in a marriage I can take!!! Ughhhh sorta hate choices / life right now! Can anyone relate? Any advice?

Thanks for reading and any advice!