My husband just told me the other day about how he would be willing to try BDSM scenes with a girl he’s talked to (who I knew about, we’re opening our bedroom a bit), and I was absolutely floored. He won’t even bring in a goddamn blindfold, Nevermind ropes and whips, because he says it’s “weird”. Which I brought up. He says it’s just that he doesn’t want to do it with me. The most open and safe and loving person in his fucking life. He says he sees BDSM as “disrespectful” that it would be weird for him to do that stuff with me. We’ve done some pretty fringe sex stuff in our time together and this fucking hurts and confuses me. I could easily do it with someone else but I want to do it with him because it’s a lot of trust and communication (not to mention I think a way of me working out some trauma in a safe way). Plus, mentioning another girl who he’s talked to and now she’s pregnant and he wants to hook up with her and now I’m just thinking about how he didn’t even hold my hand or touch me at all in bed when I was pregnant with our child.

It all just reconfirmed insecurities of being used up and boring to him. This is so hard.