Last night I decided to suggest this as an option to see if alternative partners could rekindle sexual desires in us, but it was not received very well. We talked again and it's officially..both of us now don't find the other sexually attractive anymore.. his excuse.. I don't get dressed up or done up anymore... mine.. whats the point.. its just going to end in frustrations; sex is not enjoyable when it's always a disappointing experience.. Last time we tried to have sex he said he just couldn't feel anything.. I am too wet and since my hysterectomy ( cervix was removed) he really can't feel anything inside either.. I can't change my bodies responses and what the surgery had to remove.

After that comment, I pretty much took sex off the table.. we both feel broken together but why do we both stay??

He wants to start small again.. try watching porn together. I said sure.. but I am not going to initiate anymore.. I am leaving it up to him to try.. I know this is a double edged sword but I don't care about sex with him anymore.

I said its the same pattern. He gets scared that I am going to leave him and try to do better for a few months then back to the same old. I am always questioning why I stay and don't leave but I am an anxious-avoidant attachment while he is anxious attachment. So my pattern is clear I want to leave but fear leaving too.. constantly trapped by my thoughts and doubts.

My depression is always just under the surface... and moments like these send me backwards.. I struggle to find a reason to even try to find someone else.. who would even want such a broken, defective woman.