HL here, but after years of rejection and never getting enough emotional and physical intimacy, I stopped wanting it from my husband. My body started going into fight or flight mode if he as much as touched me. We're good friends and cohabit and coparent well, so life has been peaceful lately, after I told him that our romantic relationship was over. We've been through so many fights, couples' therapy... loooong and painful story.

I told my husband that I loved how nice family life has been now that we focus only on that. He's been so relaxed and sweet towards both me and the kids. I was afraid that it was all appeasement, but he told me that no, going through this all has made him think long and hard about what kind of person he wants to be and how he wants his relationships with people he cares for to be. He has worked on his attachment style (he's very avoidant, and that's made our relationship very difficult). I was so happy to hear that his new behaviour came directly from him and not because of the perceived expectations of others.

I also told him that I'm okay with living in the same house, because it's so important to him to see his children every day. That I think we're good at making it work. But... that the prospect of living the rest of my life without any intimacy makes me panicky. I had to tell him, even though I thought it would destroy our newfound peace. To my surprise, he said something like "Well, we (mostly I) have already fucked up the intimacy part of our relationship. Maybe that means that we could try unconventional things withot being scared about fucking it up?"

So we agreed to outsource intimacy, as long as it's not a threat to our family. This means not getting involved with anyone living in our small town, and not having parallel relationships of the kind that could make us want to have another family. He told me that he fully understood that sex with me was off the table until my 'trauma response' is healed. This makes it so much easier for me to cuddle, hug and kiss him and not shy away from his touch. He did, however, ask if swinging that involved sexual contact between the two of us could be a possibility in the future, and I didn't rule it out.

So here I am, after a couple of years of trying to quash my libido and making myself as sexually undesirable as possible (crushing my self esteem in the process)... with so much freedom to explore. I don't even know where to start this rebuilding project. Please wish me luck!