Ive posed here before :( I’d like to tell my story again and share some of this pain again just to get it out. There are so few that understand.

I’ve been in a four year relationship with 38m and right away he told me he’s a survivor from childhood sexual abuse. I assumed he had healed from that trauma. In the beginning I noticed he seemed to check out during sex and he was usually drunk during. It upset me a lot. I didn’t understand and I freaked out. Once I questioned his sexuality trying to explain that it is a safe space with me for him to come out if that was the case(subconsciously I’m sure I was hurt and desperate and just saying shit idk) I told him how it made me feel like I wasn’t desired or like I wasn’t even in the room with him. Like I could disappear and he wouldn’t even notice. But it’s not even just that. I felt like intimacy with me was like a chore for him. It’s heartbreaking just to relive this now.

He got sober. I urged him into therapy. Right before the pandemic hit he started intense emdr in regards to said trauma. It seemed to have made things worse in some ways. He relived what happened to him. He basically had a mental breakdown and is now just getting back on his feet. I worry that he started therapy before he was ready but when the fuck will he be ready??? And if he’s not ready what the fuck is he doing with me??? He knows I’m serious about creating a life together.

When I get upset about our sexual intimacy he gets upset because he’s tired of hearing about it. He does seem to enjoy sex with me more now. More present and I don’t get the chore vibe. We have sex like once every couple months and involves no foreplay. During his unemployment and now that he’s working very little we have sex once a month or every couple of weeks. He doesn’t want to touch my body or (I feel) make the session about me or my body at all. If he can’t get hard by me (his instruction) lightly touching him everywhere with his eyes closed I’ll give up eventually then he’ll watch porn privately then approach me again, hard, but not interested in getting me ready.

It’s easy to say just leave but I do want a future with him. I want a family. I’m going to be 34 next month. I know I’m running out of time. I also know I can’t just speed up the process of his healing. He’s hesitant about therapy again because of his break down but he is dedicated to making it work with me. I’ve suggested all types of accommodations for us, other people, sexy stories, dressing up, basically anything to try and see if anything excites him but none do and he gets pissed off especially with the other people part.

Basically I’d like to know how to be a partner to someone that has been abused. No therapist has been able to help me with this. I’m not as sexual as I was when I first met him so this really has broken me down. And this whole thing is just torture. Any thoughts or information or experiences is appreciated. Thank you for reading this