More than a decade ago my STBX and I went to our first marriage counselor. We were advised to schedule time for intimacy, go to the sex store and explore, laugh, talk, buy some toys, etc. She refused to do any of that. She also admitted that she no longer had any interest in giving me oral sex (or otherwise helping out).

Despite the red flags, we had only been married a few years and had two children 18 months apart who were still very young. So I stayed. I made major changes in my life, stopped smoking cannabis daily and got on antidepressants (for awhile. Not a good year). We moved across the country so she could be closer to her friends and family and our children could grow up near their cousins.

Over the past decade, I have grown more and more lonely and depressed and frustrated and angry. The cycle of appeasement, approval seeking, trying to get her into a better mood so that maybe, just maybe she would want to be intimate. Something more than the (maybe) once a month drunken PMS fueled middle of the night wake up for sex. Or the occasional weekend morning of bland, perfunctory intercourse with no foreplay.

Another marriage counselor, more waste of time. Always, our answer was that if I provided more financial security, if only I made more money, she wouldn't be so stressed and then would therefore be more interested in being intimate, having sex more often, etc.

In other words, she withheld affection as a way to motivate me to make more money. and would constantly gaslight me into thinking that our relationship is normal, every marriage has a dead bedroom, every couple ignores each other completely until the children turn 18.

Eventually, I started individual therapy, which helped me realize that my bouts of depression generally stemmed from being stuck in a shitty relationship.

Our third marriage counselor told us that the best case scenario for children is happily married parents and the second best is happily divorced parents. Last June, I finally told her that we needed to shift our focus from pretending to be the first best case scenario to the second. Marriage counselor number four agreed that we had very little common ground.

So I left. Or, I should say, I am leaving. My new house isn't available until January, so it's a little uncomfortable until then. I'm sleeping at my office most nights, except for when it's my nights with the kids.

And, one month ago today, I invited a friend over for an after work drink. That led to my offering a footrub. Which led to me asking if it was ok to also rub her legs. Which led to her replying, "You can rub me anywhere."

It's been a very, very wonderful month. A lot of patient reprogramming on my part. Almost completely non-intercourse playing, all the foreplay and oral that have been so completely and miserably absent from my life the last ten plus years. Sexual activity without negative feelings? No anger, frustration, resentment, confusion??? Who knew?!?!?

I feel sane for the first time in years. I'm not a walking ball of sexual tension. I have whole days where I'm not even horny! It's amazing to feel "normal". It's amazing to be with a generous and very appreciative lover. It feels wonderful to have escaped the dead bedroom.

I hope everybody reading this who feels stuck in hell can also escape. Go find someone who wants to make you cum even more than you want to! It can be done! Good luck!