HLF(37) in a loooooong term relationship with a LLM (37). Our relationship has always gone in cycles. For long periods of time, often after a quarrel or after he has hurt me in some way, but also for no particular reason, he just keeps his distance from me. No cuddles, no sex, nothing, he kind of just forgets that I exist. He doesn't like it when I initiate in obvious ways, but I usually initiate in more covert ways and get us back together. He treats me coldly straight after sex because of his own shame, but after that has passed, we have a warm period with great sex before the next cold period starts for some reason.

Eroticism has always been a big part of my life, and I have compensated by getting sexual attention from others. Attention only, nothing physical has ever happened. I fell in love with someone else (during a very long cold period that started with my SO saying that he didn't have feelings for me anymore), and when my husband found out, he got very upset and flirting with others is now out of the question.

We are in couples therapy now after I gave him an ultimatum because I'm so tired of carrying the entire relationship myself. He is working hard on becoming more present and warm, and even tries to initiate sex, but here's the twist... I don't want it. I can't believe I have kept trying to seduce someone who so often wasn't interested, kept having uninhibited sex with someone who treated me badly because of shame afterwards... The thought of it makes me sick.

I have always loved sex, and never had any issues with it, so this scares me. My self esteem and body image is crushed. I overeat, and I know it's partly to keep myself from the temptation of dressing seductively and flirting, and also because I don't want my husband to get turned on when I have nothing to give him.

I do want to stay and work things through, and the relationship is getting better, but the thought of having no sex or eroticism in my life ever again makes me so sad. Is this repairable? Am I repairable? What can I do?