The words: "I should leave."

After days of being avoided, she came to bed with me in the middle of the night. I woke up a little early and was happy to have her there next to me. I wanted to touch her, to feel her skin and enjoy her. I wanted us to enjoy each other! She just wanted to sleep. She always just wants to sleep. In her list of priorities, I am somewhere below sleep -- way below. Not a new issue, but I thought that if I give a little (not annoying her EVERY morning) she would give a little (welcome it when I do). I was wrong.

She said that she feels I don't respect her wishes to be left alone. I said that she doesn't respect my wishes to have an intimate, sexual relationship with my SPOUSE! She didn't care. She doesn't care. I said, out loud, that maybe I should leave. I said, out loud, that I am going to find someone to wake up next to who is happy I am there.

I said it.

I'm really not sure how to feel about this. I don't want to leave. I love my family (3 kids) and the home we share. I love being a part of the whole that us as a family. I love sharing in the lives of my kids and my SO, and I love having them share in mine. I love having dinner every night with them. I love watching TV with them, and reading books at bedtime, giving the baby a bath and picking out outfits. I CANNOT imagine a life where I don't see and touch and talk to my children every day, all the time.

On the other hand, as I made my breakfast then showered and prepared for work I felt so upbeat it's hard to describe. Actually saying out loud the thought that has been on the front of my mind for so long and making it known that I will no longer just accept the status quo gave me a real burst!

What happens next? I have NO idea. I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't have anyone else to wake up next to.