This is going to be a bit rambly. Also, using a throwaway because she has my main and gets mad when I post about us. I don’t give a shit. I need support.

Backstory: I’m not going to give ages, but I’m a HLM and she’s a LLF. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs. She has been sexually assaulted numerous times in her past, which I fully believe is the issue here. She’s exerting power, and fucking me over in the process.

Thing is, I understand trauma. I have trauma. A bomb was dropped on my house. As much as she says its about trauma, I can’t ignore the situation she’s put me in.

She has all the cards. She gets to dictate when, where, how we have sex. Granted, It’s not as bad as many of you here. It happens a solid few times a week. But I have to basically grovel at her feet before she gives in. She has never in the 3 years of us dating initiated. She has rarely ever offered to go down on me, do things the way I like it, etc. You get the point. Me? I’m her fucking toy. She gets me whenever she fucking wants. She wants head? Of course! She wants to be fingered? Absolutely! I want a blowjob? Fine but dont get cum on me. Or, better yet, I get the “look.” Her eyes turn glossy, she looks away, and I can tell that she’s completely checked out.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of existing for her pleasure. I’m sick of being there when and only when she wants. I want to grab her by the waist and pull her in and fuck her senseless but all I get is a few thrusts in missionary before she says she’s done.

She’s started cuddling more. Is it better? Kind of yes, kind of no. On the one hand, at least she shows any interest. On the other, feeling her so fucking close but knowing if I tried to touch her she would flip her shit makes me want to fucking scream.

I don’t know what the point of posting this was. I guess I just need some assurance that it’ll get better. If not that, maybe the go-ahead on pursuing something else. Im just so fucking tired of being on her clock.