Wall if text second post on reddit long time lurker! Format on mobile SUCKS!

This is going to be long no apology- opt out now if you need to.

I really didn't know where to post since this is so complex I thought r/DeadBedrooms but I just read a lot and don't see one like mine. If the folks at r/bdsmcommunity are more appropriate I'll cross post them if I can figure how. Not really looking for advice so much as just yelling into the abyss to see if it's still there. Does anybody prowl these in [hidden] other than my lurking ass?

Backstory:

Growing up discovered sex & kink & erotica pretty early on and knew from teenager years that I wanted to be a submissive. Snuck out and purchased my first sex toy @13 but never dated or fooled around because I never had the chance. Never had doubts I wanted to be tied up spanked fucked- I would have been classed as a bratty sub type [no idea back then!] . Moved to a large city for work @18. I was open & experimental- active with men & women- I learned to be a really great domme/top- discovered SWITCH [that'sa thing!] embraced that. As a cis female Domme I discovered my deep sadistic streak- finally understood & uncovered my full dynamic: I really only wanted to sub for a male long-term partner. I preferred to Domme women- no issue being a Domme for guys if that's what they were into- I just preferred to Domme women if I was choosing. It was a nice way to spend my early 20s if a little bit lonely I would get off several times a day but always alone after I got home or in the morning. In that time I never got past the one night stand heavy petting or single serving play partner. Felt like I wasn't gonna ever have a real relationship or family. I spent far more time in my Domme half because that's what people wanted: [guess good cisfem Dommes are hard to find?] they didn't actually want me- they wanted their fantasy fulfillment. I made it to 25 and that was when I hit crisis levels of anxiety because I was STILL A VIRGIN. All that play, all those people and I never met one I could trust enough to engage in sexual PIV with. I was terrified about not getting to have kids & wanted to find someone I actually loved to raise them with. I jumped into theworld of #vanilladating!

Its a good story: we met we knew we both were ready to get married and get preggers- pop out at least three kiddos & enjoy life together. I was open honestly upfront in the extreme about my past because I learned the hard way that the best protection against future blackmail or crazy past hookups or anything that could be a problem was to be transparent. No secrets=security. The right person would understand and he was perfect for me in every way. He had plenty ofsexual experience to teach me stuff. he wanted a stay at home wife & mother for the kids he was kink positive and into being aggressive and dominant in bed. I was in heaven. We talked about everything every single possibility problem anything that could effect our relationship or our future happiness. We had contingency plans for the contingency plans. This was going to be wonderful life.

Immediately after he asked me to be his girlfriend, officially, I lost my virginity to him. Could not have asked for a better man to do it with. We didn't want to get married if things weren't compatible sexually , so we waited, dated for two years, got engaged, fucked like bunnies, got married, continued fucking like bunnies and started trying for our first child. Sex was fun and kinky and not really the 'deep soulful connection' everyone talked about for me at first, but looking into his eyes was. Feeling him, watching him, enjoying him, those things were amplified by the activity but I had felt those things outside the bedroom too. He was also a really big fan of 'making love' which was all eye contact and intimacy at least every few days and I thought those were really good for him- to feel connected. I looked at those sessions of just his way of worshipping the divine if that makes sense. They were a chance to make myself into an alter and it really did feel more 'holy' than sex that just got me off. I read that this was pretty common for some people to need a mix of dirty and spiritual and I was on board! I certainly wasn't turning down long lazy sessions with the love of my life! Sex was awesome in any form especially after waiting a QUARTER OF A CENTURY. We had sex every day and twice on Sunday ["church" was just lazy morning sex].

After the second year of trying daily I saved up enough to get a visit to a clinic to see if there were any problems. Nothing obvious- try for another six months with temperature & ovulation kits come back if it doesn't work. We couldn't afford to go back. Still don't have health care & still don't know what's wrong with years of trying feels like its just not gonna to happen. After another few years I turned 30- the odds became even more depressing. I did every crazy almost free thing available. No result. We tried to have my husband go donate sperm just to see if it worked because they would reject samples for low count or motility. But the closest place was still hundreds of miles away couldn't afford it. I moved to be with my husband when we got engaged on the agreement that I wouldn't work, but the truth is that I couldn't even if I wanted to because there are no jobs here. I acutely wish I could work now but can't do physical labor. Seems like remote jobs haven't bounced back from the recession or are more competitive now or stopped existing? Off topic rambling my bad.

Present:

Roughly 3 yrs back sex fell off a cliff. From every day to none overnight. Sex only twice during those years both times terrible- no arousal at all for either of us ended up with us giving up. We only started talking about the fact that we were not having sex about six months ago. He is crushed by not having kids. As am I. We were miserable. I told him I would understand if you want to leave to have kids with someone else he doesn't want to do that - he only wants kids with me specifically and I feel the same. All other ways to 'have a kid' are closed off due to money or personal history. Plus we both wanted 'our kid'if you can understand. We get into deep talk and hammer out some new guidelines. We do want to be together even if kids or even sex was off the table for the rest of our lives. We could never afford therapy so we just had to make do. We laid out every thing no holds barred. We will never divorce. We said our vows and the only way we can get out of this is by dying- complete agreement from both of us. If that's the case we might as well make the best of it. We went over everything we hate about sex now and why.

Short list we both:

feel like we failed

are mourning that dream

don't see the point of sex if it's not working properly

feel trapped in this area and have no hope of anything getting better for jobs or anything and can't afford to move

[just him] he's pretty mad at his dick for lack of babies but also for not working during that 3 yrs [but I am not mad at him and never was] he a fit super active guy who feels like his masculinity has been decimated he blamed himself for getting kicked in the balls as a teenager [I explained that was unlikely the cause but that's what he was worried about for yrs] 

[ just me] I hate my vagina currently what's the point of bleeding & being in excruciating pain if the fucking thing isn't even going to do it's ONE JOB

That lead to a reset button of sorts on our sex life. PIV is out possibly forever. I no longer have any desire to sub for him in bed. I laughed [privately] at even the idea of it now [I could not keep a straight face even thinking about it]. And that means I'm amputating half of my sexuality. I've accepted that. I had to give up my life long dream of being a biomom so giving up my sub half seems like a walk in the park. He discovered he enjoys being a sub far more than he ever knew because before me he never had a partner he trusted enough to explore his sub side with. He's a complete bottom now. Our sex life is back to every other day because he needs sex to feel loved and connected and I know he works hard and this is something that improves & elevates his mood while helping keep his anxiety down. It's like free antidepressants for him I get that. Our sex life now focuses on pegging & punishment & me being Mistress. Again. In the one area of my life I never wanted to be in charge. So I'm working on that now. I haven't orgasmed in years with my partner I stick to toys on my own. I could be quite happily asexual if anything ever happened to my husband. I don't want any other men so it's not like I want to leave an explore and find someone else there's no reason to. He's quite happy now because he can just forget about the pressure to perform sexually or procreationally [right word?] and enjoy himself while working through his stuff with submission. Like magic his dick works perfectly again so that's great for him. I would class myself as LL if I understood the terms correctly but really its no L. [Happy holidays! ] So, I have a DB but my husband doesn't. I'm not denying him but I feel kind of like life has denied me.

After living through what I like to uberdramatically call 'the death of My previous super High Libido' I am now relying on the years of training I had being a Domme to satisfy my husband because why should both of us suffer. I feel pretty much nothing sexual at all during it but I put on a great show and he remains blissfully ignorant well if we're honest he's too busy to notice and blindfolds help. I've never associated sex with love, so that's helpful for now because the lack of sex doesn't make me feel less loved or less connected. Maybe I was always going to end up here? I think I can handle the emotional heavy lifting more than he can. I do still have sore spots sometimes but it's never been directed at my husband. I love him. I haven't gotten mad at him for any of this. I don't resent him or blame him. He's still perfect for me given developments. It is hard now that he wants to explore elements of Con-NonCon which was pretty much my ultimate sexual fantasy for yrs and I never got a chance to explore or experience it ironically because I didn't have a trusted partner. I'm sure I'll pull it off its just odd that my husband seems to have stolen my kink. Ah which brings me to my closing joke: the universe is definitely fucking me way harder than my husband ever will!

I'll show myself out.