I suffer in silence.

I can't talk to you. Its never a good time to bring up my needs. And that is what they are, needs. I feel emotional and physical pain when I face rejection.

But I can't tell you. I've tried. If the past is anything to learn from, doing so will only turn south. You know I've suffered, we have talked about it. But fuck, when I do, all hell breaks loose. I'm the one always at fault.

You sit there and pour your soul out to me. Your mother is sick, needs help. Your daughter (not mine), gets rushed to a hospital for a painful infection, and rather than looking to her own husband for support, you need to run to her to early in the morning.

When you come home to tell me about it, I, as your husband, am supposed to lend my ear, my support, etc, whatever you need, because that is what you need, right?

Yet, if I were to tell you of my own suffering, would not the same argument come up? How I need to respect your wishes, that you've gotten older, no longer have as much desire as you use to? Our history has made it very difficult to communicate to you. Given recent events, how can I even talk to you, without risking looking like a total asshole? Your mom is sick, your daughter is sick, and your husband is suffering. But I dare not mention the latter, as that would make me seem selfish.

I find it harder and harder each day keeping up this facade. I get crankier and crankier each day, pretending that I'm OK so you can deal with your stuff, well, its eating me alive.

We're making changes so that we'll have a more peaceful life. You want to move, and we're making changes to allow that to happen. However, I don't want to move if this is going to be the same. I can be miserable here or somewhere were I'm unfamiliar. I can take on a lot more risk, but do you expect me to do that if I'm unhappy?

I've got a decision to make, in the next 3 days. Don't be surprised if all this work we've done comes crashing down.