It feels like my husband rejects me every time I show any affection. He shows me affection. On his own time. In his own terms. In his own way. But when I do it, I’m pushed away and rejected. I started to get the feeling it was true, but it seems like whenever I say something, it’s instantly shut down. Even if it’s for a “joke,” it hurts. I say, our son is so cute. He sarcastically asks which part. I say I need to go to the city office to do something. He cuts me off and gives me a list of reasons I shouldn’t. I ask him for help with something. He starts aggressively asking me questions like I’m the most annoying person in the world.

I stroked his hair yesterday. When we first started living together, I would fall asleep with my hand in his hair every night like it was my security blanket. Yesterday, he pushed me away and grunted. Ok, he’s tired after work, and sometimes he doesn’t like his hair touched.

Tonight, we were holding hands, and I rubbed his thumb with mine a little. Immediately pushed away.

When he wants affection, I’m expected to stop whatever I’m doing and do what he wants. He wants a hug, he opens his arms, and I’m supposed to go to him. He wants to cuddle, I’m supposed to stop whatever I’m doing and hold him. And if I don’t? Depends on his mood. He either pouts or gets actually upset and starts a fight.

I just don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do now. It feels like everything he does is transactional, and he’s only winning if I’m losing. If I bring it up now then he’s stressed from moving and changing jobs, and I’m the bad guy. But it’s nothing new. This has been going on for years, and I’m only finally putting it into words. I’m going to give this one more year of effort. I can’t stay like this forever with nothing changing.