Long story short my gf has a lot of trauma and has never been one to initiate sexually or even hug, kiss me, say I love you, etc.

At the beginning of our relationship we were open so that made things work. I knew what I was getting into, but she promised change and we had a ton of other things in common so I've stayed for 2.5 years.

I would bring it up every now and then and her response was always that she was working on it but I needed to be patient and me bringing up my desire for affection was only making things worse

So for over 2 years she went from almost always pushing me away, to being more accepting of physical touch, and sometimes initiating light things like hugs or handholding

For her it's a lot of progress, but still not what I need. The withdrawing from sex / intimacy and criticizing me for 2 years made me very averse to wanting to touch her sexually.

There were also other things like her weight gain / binge drinking / slight narcissism / entitlement attitude that have made me less attracted to her over time.

Anyways, with time and therapy now she apparently wants sex. Still she doesn't touch me often, doesn't kiss me, doesn't flirt with me sober, etc. When we have sex she just lies there motionless unless I give her very specific directions. There's no physical reciprocation

When she brings up sex I just think of all the times she snapped at me, pushed me away or made me feel unattractive. Or all the times she would come home stumbling and blackout drunk, burping, pooping and throwing up

About 2 months ago I tried to break up with her and she scratched me & threatened to kill herself. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and it really scared me. She has no close friends / family to contact

Ever since she's been super sweet and overly attached to me, wanting to be around me all 24/7. But the affection is slowly returning to normal

She wants sex with me, and I still get turned on by her if I touch her body, but mentally I'm not. There's so many guilty mixed feelings around it all. She's drinking much less but it's still unnattractive the way that she has to get messed up to be sexual

I don't know how to make myself truly want her again and I don't know how to leave either

TL;DR

My gf didn't touch me for over 2 years and is finally making some progress and wants to have sex more often.

I don't want to anymore because I became resentful for how long she pushed me away and also less attracted due to her behavior while binge drinking, her weight gain, bathroon talk and other personality clashes

I tried to leave but she threatened to kill herself. Tried to leave again and got suckered back in with more promises

I need to leave or make a change and all the encouragement would help