HLM50 married to LLF49, three kids in middle school and HS. Haven’t had sex for two years, initially because she said she was uncomfortable due to operation, only recently saying it was because she felt we lost emotional connection.

Relationship had been rocky for last two years, with physical contact (passionate kisses, random touch during day) slowly dying along with sex. More arguments too, and nastier arguments over minor things.

Started counseling this year. Going to couple’s therapist soon.

But the frustration is intense—feel it in my heart. Until the last couple months she would still give small kisses goodbye in the morning, or random small touches during the day. But then we had some deep “come to Jesus” talks about where we were and how broken we’d become. We agreed to work on it and get counseling. I thought we were on the road to something so I started to show more physical affection. It backfired horribly.

She said my deeper kisses and arm or back caresses were too much, too soon. And then she stopped giving even little kisses goodbye. When I initiated even a small kiss, she rejected me. She said she’s not emotionally ready, but maybe she will be later.

And then today I complimented her on how attractive she was. She frowned and said it was “too much” and that her “love language” was not compliments.

So the rules are: Can’t touch her, can’t compliment her. But I suspect that if I’m distant or aloof that means I’m not “all in” in saving marriage.

We been married 24 years. Sex life was amazing for the first 20. Now wondering where this all leads, and if I can keep sane for many more months of waiting for the relationship to heal, and if it can heal.