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Not sure if sad penis syndrome is a diagnosable medical condition, but if it is, I have it. These days my penis feels more like an appendix, functionless with no consequence if removed. My penis is starving for intimacy—I would fuck a homeless guy raw in his shopping cart at this point, and no I’m not gay. Any consenting warm body is a yes. What about a corpse? No, even I have standards, that would remind me too much of duty sex. Most days my penis just hides in the cover of my foreskin, occasionally poking its head out to pee.
“What the fuck is the point of my existence?”—my penis
“There you go bitching again”—my wife’s vagina
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