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I (26F) was feeling extremely pent up/sexually frustrated last night, and really wanted to not initiate the sex this time. That did not go well, at all.
My husband (31M), cannot initiate sex at all. His version of it is looking at me and expecting me to do something. I cannot for the life of me remember if it was like this at the beginning, if maybe I just was so horny I never noticed, but for the last few years itās been eating me alive.
I am partially to blame, I know I can be picky, but at one point he used to roll over and grab my breasts, and that was a slightly better version of what I experienced last night, but I told him that made me feel horrendous and he stopped doing it. (to give context, that feels a lot like pity sex, the fact he wouldnt even prop himself up to look at me)
Last night, he laid on top of me, not touching me, gave me a couple pecks and that was suppose to be him initiating it. I felt so frustrated I wanted to cry. I love having sex with him, and I often (used to be more often, even) put my hands all over him, kiss him, tease him by dipping my hands under his pants, worship his body to get him worked up and I just really want that to be done to me.
FYI The problem isnāt the actual sex, and honestly I am not hard to please, itās just starting it that just keeps going wrong. (edit: actually it is a bit of a problem)
We talked about it the morning after, he says he does want me, he just āthinks itās wrongā to grab me for sex, or be overly aggressive. He seemed pissed at me, and said I need to read less romance books least I expect him to be like the characters. To be fair, that has been my escape lately and I have read probably more than I should.
I loved the guy, I really do, heās my best friend but I am going insane. I now feel even worse about sex than before, and I can feel I am being a bitch or a sex addicted freak and I and should just accept thisā¦ but itās really upsetting me. I feel like an ugly thing, pawing at him pathetically.
I think about all the women out there with husbands who look at them, want to make them come, not just because their wife is already extremely horny but because they justā¦want to. And I want to scream, lol.
lol maybe heād read some āentry levelā smut? You know.. the vanilla spice stuff.
This is pretty similar to what my own husband explained to me when we finally figured out our DB situation. A lifetime of having to watch what you say and do around women PLUS being sexually oppressed by religion. Recipe for disaster š
Hey OP, Iām willing to bet your husband lacks the confidence to sexy talk or initiate and would probably benefit from some reassurance on that front. I would suggest also giving him a scenario from beginning to end detailing all the things you really enjoy and want from him. Write it down so he can reference it later. Invite him to use that scene exactly as it is like a sort of blueprint or cheat sheet. Let him know thereās no pressure or obligation to do this TODAY but that youād like to see him make an effort to initiate using some of your suggestions by X date.
Itās ok to feel embarrassedā¦ talk about it until itās no longer embarrassing. Once you get there it gets infinitely easier to just request the things you want. This was my life about 4-5 months ago. Husband would NOT initiate, sexy talk, kept everything super vanilla, super predictable. Heās still lacking confidence to sexy talk but heās made baby steps forward anyway. Last week I texted him a request that I phrased like a demand. I told him he was going to come in the house when he was good and ready and take whatās his. Told him I wanted to be directed and told what to do by a self assured dominant man. His sext game is weak but my man DELIVERED where it counts and I got EXACTLY what I wanted.
Donāt give up the booksā¦ if theyāre a healthy outlet for you they stay.
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If he repeats the same 2-3 things I would take that as him putting in the effort and caring. Itās not enough to fill the need but I can see heās making some effort. The impression I get from your posts is that he lacks the confidence to initiate or to participate in sexy talk.