Burner account, TLDR.

Long story short, I (40F) and my husband (64M) have been together for 20 years. Yes, we obviously have an age difference.

When we met, we were in the "lifestyle" as swingers (please don't judge). Very happy, great sex life and otherwise, etc.

For the last 8-9 years (with exception of this year), we had no sex life. He has some past trauma he was dealing with, age and we just never brought it up...for years. I would advance myself onto him, but he would push me away, so I ignored it and would bottle up my sexual needs. He refuses to use any pills or lotions and insists his T levels are normal.

Finally last year, I brought up asking if I could invite a guy over. He was all for it and over the last year, I have had a few sexual partners. He was always in the know. At first he was interested in knowing about the trysts but as time went on, he would leave the house I could tell he wasn't that interested in conversing about it. Honestly, probably because he felt bad that he's not able to satisfy me.

A few months ago I did the unthinkable and slept with someone without him knowing. My husband found out and over the last few weeks its been very stressful. I know what I did was wrong. but tbh, for a moment, I didn't feel guilty about it. I subconsciously thought he would find out and maybe put a pep in his step. Trust me, my husband is the FIRST person I want to suck and fuck. I would jump on him every chance I get, if I didn't get pushed away.

We have started couples counseling, which we both feel indifferent about but we're going.

Over the last few weeks he has brought up separation several times. Saying, that I should be able to do what I want since he's not able to satisfy me.

I love our history together, we have some fantastic stories and built a great life together. No kids, we work for ourselves at home and I know we love each other deeply.

But to be honest, I miss feeling sexy. I know my husband finds me attractive but I loved the feeling of hearing my guy friend tell me how much he wants me and how sexy I am. Am i asking for too much?
One more thing, my husband has suggested we get with couples again, which is fine. But I know he won't be able to perform and there I am, "taking one for the team" so to speak.

Theres a lot of layers to this. Happy to answer more concrete questions, open to taking advice.