Ok, shameful might be a strong word. But basically, my DB situation is making me (M38) more and more horny as time goes on. No surprise there. It’s like natures cruel joke. The less she wants to do the more I want to do it.

So of course I’ve turned to porn. It’s empty, it doesn’t help but it distracts. And recently I got quite into chaturbate, at first just to watch others as a voyeur. But then I put myself on cam, just playing with myself, no face. And it was thrilling. Strangers watching me. The validation, or maybe just the riskiness and vulnerability of expressing myself sexually after being muted in my own relationship for so long.

It’s not good behaviour, I know. I enjoy it but I’m slightly ashamed after - not for any ideological reason - I just know that it will ultimately not fulfill me.

I know the answer is in the work required to address the lack of intimacy in my relationship. We had a baby 2 years ago. I’m trying to not push her and give her as much time as possible to recover her libido. But what if she doesn’t? Is this my life now? The harsh truth is I won’t be able to live like this forever.

So in the meantime I go looking for cheap thrills. No judgement please.