FYI long read So in June of this year my wife (32) decided to leave me (32) She became distant, maybe 2-3 years ago, rarely in the mood ( then never in the mood), we had little fights over dumb stuff, and had a “mundane” lifestyle (we both work full time and I work nights)

She’d often bury herself in her phone, as did I. Our conversations became the stagnant “how was work?” “How was your day?” The usual small talk. She seemed to not want to be around me at times, and just get some space. When we kissed she made a reluctant face almost everytime, she didn’t really care what I had to say or even put down her phone to hear what I was saying. I would start to ALWAYS point this out to her and a little argument would start.

Once she left me I went into full “panic mode”, it felt so sudden and out of nowhere(so I thought). I panicked and started redoing the house, deep cleaning a room everyday, cooking, hanging shit on the wall etc. She ultimately decided what’s best for her is to be on her own, in a tiny ghetto apartment, scraping by to pay her bills and put our 6yr old through this situation….. well ….put all of us through this situation. I used to think it was just her fault, since I was always trying to fix our problems and issues, even thought it was her past traumas that made her do this to our family…… I figured her trauma (sexual trauma, neglect, foster system, yes she has her own demons) caused her to be a “dismissive avoidant” because she never wanted to address our issues. I put all the blame on her….She can definitely work on her own issues as well but that’s up to her, people don’t change unless they want to change.

2 months after she left, I did a self reflection on myself and on our marriage over the course of maybe 3 weeks. I started journaling everyday going over my part of the marriage and past events. I learned that over our 8 years together, I wasn’t there for her emotionally….. anytime she was sad, or angry I would just try and “fix” the situation and make her happy, perhaps this is my situation only, but I learned that I wasn’t allowing her to feel her feelings when I tried to “fix” her mood. I showed her that I don’t like to see her sad or mad and just wanted to make her happy or less stressed…. I believe she took that as “I don’t care” about her feelings because I didn’t allow her to express herself without me trying to “fix” the issue. Almost like “no no no you can’t be sad, let me make you happy so I don’t have to see or deal with this”.

I also learned that I was just playing a victim of life…. I always had something bringing me down or something to b!tch about, whether it was something at work or road rage or having to do things around the house, just anything had me triggered and down. I let my daughter determine my emotions as well. I allowed my emotions to control me verses just responding calm and collected. If she was upset, I’d allow her to influence how I felt in that moment, if she raised her voice, I matched her level and let my emotions take the wheel. Do this over the course of years and she definitely will have lost some respect and trust in you….. she won’t feel safe enough to open up and talk about the issues.

I used to think her decision to leave came out of nowhere, I now see she showed me over the years that something was wrong and me ALWAYS addressing it had pushed her away, constantly nagging to talk to her and bringing up what I thought was the issue. Throwing the trash out or doing the dishes, cleaning the house didn’t do anything because that wasn’t the problem, the problem was that I wasn’t the man she fell in love with ,and had became complacent and comfortable….and highly irritable. In my eyes I had the smoke show wife, the beautiful daughter, make well over 100k, and life is good, I can just be on cruise control now and try to keep the family happy.

When we first started dating, I was confident, had ambition and drive to better my life and myself, I played guitar worked on my truck( a 4 linked prerunner 😎) and did things for me. I was someone before I met her…. I had self love and I was happy.

Fast forward to now, I realized I was ALWAYS seeking validation from her, would do favors expecting something in return, checking her location on iPhone, always being needy, dropping my hobbies to make her happy and spend time with her….. (just lounging doing nothing together)to the point where I didn’t touch my truck for 2 years, stopped playing guitar, stopped doing things for me entirely and just give give give to “make her happy”. I put my wife and daughter above myself and became a man that wasn’t me. I became the exact opposite of what she fell in love with….. a needy, emotionally manipulative, low confidence, boring man who gave all of himself away for his family. I had nothing left to give her since I gave it all away.

I’m amazed she lasted this long with me, looking back at our marriage I can clearly see that I wasn’t who she fell in love with, and it’s no wonder we had a dead bedroom. Who wants to be with a man who is constantly needy, needs validation, does favors for something in return, and completely just lost himself as a man. I put my happiness into having her be happy…… that’s a b!tch move to not have my own emotions, and always allowing how she felt, dictate how I would feel and react.

Anyways I’m still fighting for my marriage, I gave up at the beginning saying “screw her” “I don’t want her” “on to the next one” but that was me trying to protect myself. Yes she left me, but we are still married until we are not, so I am being the man I should have been all along, well I’m trying my best to be the man I deserve , who she deserves, and the father my daughter deserves. I feel most men would say I’m stupid or crazy and to just let her go….. but I’m not like most men in that aspect. The funny thing is I did in fact let her go, I did give her her space, I don’t let my words do the talking anymore, I let my actions speak. I now see that I don’t need her in my life to be happy, I want her in my life. If she chooses to stay away I’m ok with that because I now see what kind of man I became before our separation…. I don’t blame her for leaving. So the least I can do is become a better version of myself and still be a good husband to her because I still love and care for her, she is still technically my wife, and she deserves to have a good man even if its at the end of our marriage. When we got married I gave her my word I’d love and care for her…. So I will do that until I’m not her husband anymore despite the circumstances. I straight up told her, that I’m gonna do my best to save our marriage, that I want her in my life as my wife….. she pondered and told me “what if I give you divorce papers tomorrow? What then?” I smiled and said“ you can give me the papers right now, and it wouldn’t change a thing for me”….. I wanted to show my intentions to her, and that I wasn’t giving up on our marriage.

Some could say I’m doing this to win her back, but honestly, it’s just self love, finding myself again and becoming a better man…..if she never decided to separate, I wouldn’t have this opportunity to become the best version of myself, I’d still be a needy, low confidence man always seeking her validation and always reacting with my emotions. I am truly thankful for this opportunity, the circumstances suck but hey….. I’m better than I was yesterday and I can confidently say this everyday.

Roast me if you will, I don’t care😎 I just had to vent and idk maybe help another man or woman out.

Lastly here’s what I learned 1. I stopped being who I truly was for her 2. I became boring and complacent( I had it all) 3. I stopped leading in our relationship 4. She changed because I changed(hence dead bedroom, I wouldn’t wanna have sex with old me either) 5. I reacted with emotion, instead of responding with love, care and putting myself in her shoes as to why she feels the way she does. 6. I “needed” her validation all the time(how tiring) 7. I was smothered with love by my mom, and so I ended up always smothering my wife. 8. I didn’t know how to emotionally connect 9. I gave her zero structure in our relationship, and gave up all my boundaries to make her happy(people pleaser) 10. Don’t ever put yourself last, YOU are still YOU no matter who’s in your life, or what’s in your life or what’s happening in your life(easier said than done at times). Don’t allow external situations dictate how you should feel, you dictate how you feel.

If you got this far thanks for reading.

Edit: I had no idea so many people would respond to this. This isn’t me getting closure or being hard on myself, this is simply how I feel about my marriage and my changes and perspective on my part.

I can’t speak for her perspective, and there is plenty on her end she can “improve” as well, but that’s not my choice, that is ultimately up to her.