“Ughhhhhhh”

Is what he said to me, after I took a bubble bath and was feeling playful, sexy and excited, and uncovered myself in front of him, trying to be spontaneous. Spontaneous like he said he desired last time I was rejected. He groaned that and I quickly covered up in total embarrassment and just said I was trying to be playful and he didn’t respond and just rolled over in the bed and just stared back at his phone.

I’m shook and feel myself being consumed by just absolute numbness.

He’s rejected me before, but nothing like this. Who knew that losing weight and gaining self-confidence would actually lead to worse self-image issues, because your husband for some reason is just not interested anymore. He’d rather sit on his phone for 45 minutes every morning jerking off to porn, and call it a day.

Any compliment from him has started to feel like a prepared statement, and I’m just wondering if that’s all I’m worth to him. I try, I’ve tried.. I’m trying.. but I’m so exhausted and I don’t want to cry myself to sleep alone. He tells me he loves me, but doesn’t show me anymore physically. I must be the asshole for not believing his words and expecting actions.

I’m having a hard time even wanting to touch myself with how undesirable I feel lately, and any compliment from anyone else makes me that much more insecure. “Pretty, gorgeous, beautiful, cute, adorable, sexy, hot” are all just trigger words for me. Just lies that get told to me just often enough to make me feel delusional about myself.

Why am I competing for your love, affection and attention with porn? Why am I not enough for you when I’d give you anything you’d want and more?

I wish I wasn’t this grotesque ick for you, because i miss feeling..anything….

When do i waive a white flag and just succumb to my fate of this marriage? I never expected this, especially with him, and I’m beyond devastated. Leaving the marriage isn’t an option so how do I mentally endure this for the rest of my life? That’s a question I feel running through my mind on loop right now.

Hoping for better days, maybe even just a better day. Im just still in shock, I don’t even feel like I’m processing that comment fully.

Edit: I’ve received so many DMs…I don’t want your pity fuck. Or pity compliments to get me to pity fuck you. Thank you though. I hope to respond to the genuine ones though.