My wife (43f) and I (40m) never had a dead bedroom but certainly a boring and dying one at many times in 17 years together (15 married).

But over the last 2-3 years we have had the best and most frequent sex of our lives and I’m realizing that all the past phases or her not wanting it, or being less interested in doing new stuff was all my fault….

In the past I was always trying to push to do more and wilder stuff. Or push for more frequent sex or foreplay. If we didn’t do those things or do it as often as I wanted. I would often be annoyed or at least a bit cold. I would often stop initiating waiting for her to make a move. Then be annoyed she wouldn’t.

One day while talking with a friend who was in a similar spot he pointed out that you can’t improve things being a jerk. So I focused on what does she want, what are her ways to connect. And it helped, in time, focusing on her ways to connect (quality time together, cooking together, games like scrabble or chess) we were able to talk about things she did want to try or do, and how she liked that I’m more dominate. But that I needed to understand sometimes she’s exhausted. I also worked on constant praise and being much more vocal about how sexy and beautiful she was and how much I loved her. Just working on not being a jerk and understanding. It has helped me be a better partner, a better father and also through lots of communication and long nights talking has led to more sex and more new things tried then ever before.

In our 40s and after many years together we are finally having the intimacy and sex life we both have wanted from day 1. And it wasn’t her fault It was mine.