First time posting, I am desperate. Here is the situation I am in and cannot seem to get out of it.

25 years ago I married my best friend and couldn’t have been happier. We were both young and working to build a life together, lots of stress and anxiety in the beginning due to financial strain, it was hard to buy a home back then, our interest rate was 11% on our first mortgage. Intimacy was okay for the first couple of years then it came time for kids and that became a chore because my wife has PCOS and struggled to get pregnant the first time. Second kid was like the 1st time we had sex after stopped birth control. Naturally the children took priority over sex for the next few years, no time. I had always been one to masturbate to relieve sexual tension as it always seemed to build up to being all I can think about is sex, still don’t understand that. I would masturbate in private and not do this in front of my wife, more because it embarrassing than anything, but at some point she asked me about this and I told her the truth. She thinks this is cheating and gave me crap because I don’t have sex with her even though when I would try foreplay throughout the day she would always act like I was bothering her or it was inappropriate. Well this became the reason for no sex for years. I would only get sex when she was drunk, which I feel is terrible that she can only have sex with me when drunk. This was basically my life for the next 22 years, same shit different day.

The big change for me came about 5 years ago when I was diagnosed with ADHD after my daughter was struggling in school. Things made a lot more sense for me, I have spent the last 5 years getting myself healthy and attempting to make amends for all of the trouble I have caused my wife through the years not listening well and forgetting to do things. We are both career driven but about 6 months ago my wife told me to quit my job and stay home to take care of the house and kids after she received the promotion at work she had been working towards for years, which is great but now the stress is even higher for her. So I quit my job 2 months ago and am a house husband. I thought this might help the stress but it doesn’t seem to have helped with our intimacy issues at all.

Back to the reason for writing this post, I am mentally and physically healthier than I have ever been in my life, this has made things worse for my libido, it is through the roof and I don’t know what to do. I live my wife and have no intention of leaving or hurting her, just need some intimacy. The wife sleep in sweatpants and a t-shirt sometimes a long sleeve shirt because she says it’s more comfortable for her. Okay I get that, I want her comfortable but dammit it seems like I can’t win. I make loving comments, touch her frequently throughout the day to make contact but she just seems to be turned off and ignores my touch. Sometimes at night in bed I will spend more than 30 minutes rubbing her back, legs, feet, whatever i can actually get to since she wraps up in her blanket, and the only reaction I get is eventually she puts her iPad down and goes to sleep. If I keep touching her after she puts the iPad up she will ask me if I am ever going to sleep. To this I just stop and proceed to spend the next few Hours trying to come up with a reason I shouldn’t feel like shit.

Please no bullshit, I truly want help.