My wife (40LLF) and I (44HLM) had our first couples therapy session today. We've been in a DB for over 3 years, and that was the reason we originally scheduled the session. We were put on a waiting list, and as we were waiting my wife somehow discovered my online affair. To this day I'm not sure if the other woman's on-again/off-again bf contacted my wife (he sent me texts threatening to expose me unless I paid him money--I told him I was going to turn him in to the police and backed off), or my wife scooped in my phone, but she found out. She confronted me, and I told her the truth, that nothing happened physically with her. The next day she asked to read all my texts, I let her, and she learned just how explicit they were. I have been staying at my parents for almost 2 weeks now. But I digress.

The first session was tough. I had hoped to broach the topic of me coming back home, but she broke down crying howls I'm over there everyday to see our kids. I broke down crying because I has to talk about the disclosures paperwork and the fact that I reported that I have been having suicidal thoughts. The therapist asked me questions which led me to explaining in detail the ways I thought of doing it, and just how close I actually did get to doing it. Apparently my wife was shocked that I was having those thoughts.

At this point I'm not sure what I'm writing anymore, and this post took a far different path than I had planned. It was only the first session, but it was not fun. For 3 years I've felt alone in my marriage, rejected over and over by my wife, and right now I feel even more alone than ever before. I wish the bad thoughts would go away.