Quite a few Redditors in DBs asked me about my progress with sex therapy.  I'm happy to keep you updated as my wife and I begin this journey.  But before you dive in, let me give you some background so you have some context about my ~25 year marriage.

1. I met my wife in 1999 and fell head over heals for her.  At the time, I was dating around, but when I met my wife, there was an instant attraction.
2. We dated for a few years until we married.
3. Our sex life was really good from the time we dated until the time we had our first child. 
4. Her post-partum depression hit me hard and caused me PTSD which went undiagnosed for YEARS
5. I was changing careers when she gave birth to our first child.
6. And for the next 20 years, I was clinically depressed.  Sure, there were good moments and bad moments, but I never really found happiness for various reasons.
7. This eroded my relationship with my wife until I suggested we start couples therapy.  We started in 2018...and it lasted about 4 1/2 years. That's correct. Every week for 4 1/2 years. The couples therapy helped our relationship tremendously. Yes, there were awfully dark, distributing, sessions, but we worked through it with a very proactive therapist and by the end, my wife and I felt we could communicate about anything...well, except our DB.
8. I also underwent about 3 1/2 years of individual therapy which helped me deal with other issues.
9. About 4 years ago my wife has a total hysterectomy which leaves her hormones all out of whack
10. So here I am with a shitton of therapy under my belt, but no sex life (outside of masturbation and porn)
11. In fact, in the past 18 months, I've had sex with my wife a total of 3 times. I've initiated countless times to be met with, "headache", "stomach ache", "tired", "not tonight", "fell asleep", etc. I can't figure out why: I'm in pretty good shape for staring at 50 years old. Not overweight, I exercise 4-5 times a week and eat healthy. And I'm completely attracted to my wife. She's super cute and in good shape, too, for 54 years old.

Now for the twists:

1. January 2024 - our very best friend comes out of the closet to us. Fine, of course we are supportive. We love her. Problem is that she's married and confirmed her sexuality by having an affair with another woman. She and her husband haven't slept together in years. (He's kind of a wet noodle.) While infidelity is not a preferred choice, I understand she's miserable with her husband and she's not even sure if she's attractive to him. So she filled that sexual void by experimenting.
2. This leads me to think about my relationship with my wife and how our lack of sex is affecting our relationship and I start to worry that she's going to leave me.
3. My wife tells me the same thing - she's worried about ME leaving HER because of her Zero libido.
4. So for the past 6 months, I've really focused on my wife and her feelings. I've become more attentive, mindful, sexually vulnerable, taking chances that are completely outside my comfort zone, but fun (again, we're not into BDSM).
5. The reason I stepped this up is because when our friend came out, I realized I'm taking her for granted and I shouldn't. My wife is a good catch.
6. And each and every time (except for once) when I've tried to set the table for sex. I've been rejected. I'm starting to think those ailments mentioned in Line 11 above are psychosomatic. I mention "sex", she gets "headache". And I'm not talking about "checklist" sex. I'm talking about date night, cook a nice meal, candles...only to be met with "eh"
7. It's gotten to the point where I start to cry after each rejection, so I stop asking. Well that solves nothing; we just retreat to our corners.
8. We decide to attack the problems physically and mentally. Physically, we BOTH went to her gyne and I heard my wife tell her physician about her zero libido. Gyne is supportive that with our ages, our physical conditions, and our willingness to tackle to problem, she is confident we can overcome this. So she increases her estrogen and in August will add testosterone to the regimen. Mentally, we had our first sex therapy session his past Wednesday, 6/5. Our therapist is AASECT certified and is also optimistic about our outcome.
9. I will say that my wife and I are committed to the process.

I don't know where this is going to take my marriage but I've received a handful of DMs and Chat requests to ask about it. So follow this post for updates as they happen, read my other posts to catch up. My goals for sex therapy are:

• Mutual vulnerability when it comes to sex and when we disclose our desires and to listen without judgment. I handed my wife a list of my desires and gave it to her in a sealed envelope. I though it'd be fun to play a game and have her choose a number and that's the desire we try to fulfill. She could give me her list and I can choose one from that. Good idea? Some women might think that would fun or hot....My envelope remains sealed. I bought 4-5 toys and one of them is used on me and has a remote that can be controlled from anywhere (via 4G). Fun eh? Toys remain sealed in the box.
• My wife to initiate sex with me.

I might answer questions, I might not. It all depends on my time, my mental state, and other factors. I WILL tell you, however, that I will not alter facts about this and will be honest in my feelings. Enjoy the ride.

7/3/2024: UPDATE

It's been a few weeks because our therapist was on vacation, but we had another session yesterday. It was interesting.

To bring you up to speed: over the past three weeks or so, per our therapist's plan, we have had date night once a week. And because my wife is the one with the LL, we decided to let her dictate the pace and the activity. The first date night, she suggested a bath together. We did that and it was fun, but not really intimate. It was a lot of conversation and vulnerability which is what we want as we strive towards our goal. I liked it.

The next week, Date Night 2, she suggested we lie together naked, in bed, skin-to-skin, and watch a movie. We did that. A lot of gentle caressing of the face, neck, shoulders, etc. I LOVED IT. It was fun, intimate, we connected and it was very enjoyable. Thumbs up.

Last week, Date Night 3, my wife suggests to me...ready for this? She'd like to have one puff of my joint and then just hang out in bed. FUCK YEAH! I've been trying to get her to smoke with me for a while and I was so stoked. We did, we hung out in bed, I was high as a kite, she was high too, and we watched some shitty movie, and have no idea what it was about. But it was a lot of fun and goofiness. So that's good.

So at our session yesterday, we discussed these date nights with our therapist and how we both felt very happy and safe during these date nights. I didn't feel "rejected" and she didn't feel "pressured". That's good...we're bridging the gap. And then the conversation turned towards some emotional substance.

From about 2004 - 2018, I was an asshole. My depression and life at that time really took a toll on me and it manifested itself with anger, impatience, and irritability. And that took a toll on my wife, too, as her self-esteem eroded. We talked about that period last night during our session. And while my wife acknowledges that I've made tremendous strides over the past 5 years (and especially over the past 12 months), she still feels damaged from such a long period of my "bad" time. Thinking and discussing that period made her very sad during yesterday's session. I get that. And prior to sex therapy, I would have reacted with "oh here we go again, dredging up the past." But now that I know she's committed to this process, I looked at her last night through a different lens. It was more compassionate and not about me. I put myself in her shoes and I understand her reaction. That long period of time cannot be erased in a few therapy sessions. ~15 years of my piss-poor mental health still weighs on her, but she knows if we talk through it and I continue my evolution to a more emotionally mature person, we are headed on the right track. I didn't get defensive and I didn't react. I just told her I'm going to continue to do what I can to improve myself. I've forgiven myself for those ~15 years, worked very hard to change my mental health, and now I'm working on her completely forgiving me for those ~15 years. She told me that she's almost there, but not quite yet. I get it. And we're going to continue to work on it.

In just a few sessions, I've realized that both people have to be all-in and participate in this process for it to work. If one person isn't fully committed, my guess is it's not going to work out.

More info when the situation arises. Next session on 7/17. Best to all.7/3/2024: UPDATEIt's been a few weeks because our therapist was on vacation, but we had another session yesterday. It was interesting.To bring you up to speed: over the past three weeks or so, per our therapist's plan, we have had date night once a week. And because my wife is the one with the LL, we decided to let her dictate the pace and the activity. The first date night, she suggested a bath together. We did that and it was fun, but not really intimate. It was a lot of conversation and vulnerability which is what we want as we strive towards our goal. I liked it. The next week, Date Night 2, she suggested we lie together naked, in bed, skin-to-skin, and watch a movie. We did that. A lot of gentle caressing of the face, neck, shoulders, etc. I LOVED IT. It was fun, intimate, we connected and it was very enjoyable. Thumbs up. Last week, Date Night 3, my wife suggests to me...ready for this? She'd like to have one puff of my joint and then just hang out in bed. FUCK YEAH! I've been trying to get her to smoke with me for a while and I was so stoked. We did, we hung out in bed, I was high as a kite, she was high too, and we watched some shitty movie, and have no idea what it was about. But it was a lot of fun and goofiness. So that's good.So at our session yesterday, we discussed these date nights with our therapist and how we both felt very happy and safe during these date nights. I didn't feel "rejected" and she didn't feel "pressured". That's good...we're bridging the gap. And then the conversation turned towards some emotional substance. From about 2004 - 2018, I was an asshole. My depression and life at that time really took a toll on me and it manifested itself with anger, impatience, and irritability. And that took a toll on my wife, too, as her self-esteem eroded. We talked about that period last night during our session. And while my wife acknowledges that I've made tremendous strides over the past 5 years (and especially over the past 12 months), she still feels damaged from such a long period of my "bad" time. Thinking and discussing that period made her very sad during yesterday's session. I get that. And prior to sex therapy, I would have reacted with "oh here we go again, dredging up the past." But now that I know she's committed to this process, I looked at her last night through a different lens. It was more compassionate and not about me. I put myself in her shoes and I understand her reaction. That long period of time cannot be erased in a few therapy sessions. ~15 years of my piss-poor mental health still weighs on her, but she knows if we talk through it and I continue my evolution to a more emotionally mature person, we are headed on the right track. I didn't get defensive and I didn't react. I just told her I'm going to continue to do what I can to improve myself. I've forgiven myself for those ~15 years, worked very hard to change my mental health, and now I'm working on her completely forgiving me for those ~15 years. She told me that she's almost there, but not quite yet. I get it. And we're going to continue to work on it. In just a few sessions, I've realized that both people have to be all-in and participate in this process for it to work. If one person isn't fully committed, my guess is it's not going to work out. More info when the situation arises. Next session on 7/17. Best to all.