I've always been a HL woman, with a lot of that tied to my self worth. I met my husband at 22 and while I think many ways we are a good fit for each other, we both were too insecure and shy (and for me, worried about all the things that were taught in sex Ed) to explore our sexuality with lots of people. I don't think there is one right number of people to sleep with before getting married, but I wish I had good sex with more people before getting married.

Now, at 40, I'm really disgusted in myself, what I've done, who I've become. I'm equally disgusted in my exploring outside of the marriage as I am in how I have been desperately trying to keep my one side thing alive even though it died a long long time ago, because I don't want to become a serial cheater or find someone who is convenient and safe but lacking connection or connected and high-drama with all the risk that goes with it.

I didn't expect to fall in love w my ex AP, but when all the stars aligned it was hard not you. He's the type that is gone but will never say goodbye. He wants to be friends. Have calls and stay connected, but no more. I'm broken. I opened up to him so much and end up in a situation very similar to my marriage yet somehow he still manages to listen and pay more attention to me and tell me I'm beautiful in some variation more than my husband does.

I don't want to cheat anymore. I deserve all this heartache for what I've done. I don't know how to make my husband want me. I'm just an average 40 year old mother. His porn history (and we would openly discuss this) is primarily black and Latina women who have these beautiful bodies and I can't compare.

I wish he could go out and have the sex he craves with someone he's actually attracted to. But when I've brought up an open marriage he's turned me down. I'm not sure I really want that either. But sex 1x a month isn't enough. I'm pregnant and my hormones are raging and I've been getting off 2-4x a day. But I want to fantasize about him. I want to feel safe to want my husband. I've lost that a long time ago. I can't let myself be attracted to him as I'll just get rejected. I'm now working on getting myself into the same headspace with my ex AP. I've gotten to the point where I'm just seeking someone to degrade me because that feels safe. I'll be rejected up front and at least feel like someone values me for some kink they have. But I'm just sad. Sad I'm losing the best years of my life sexually and sad I don't know if I regret cheating or not and sad I didn't approach that in a way that protected me from falling in love and dealing with the aftermath of that.

Well happy V day all.