I'm sitting here crying because I know I need to accept that I (40 HLF) will never have the marriage that I want? I know my husband (41 LL4me M) won't change. He will never look at me and think "wow she's hot" and want sex. He looks at other women and thinks that. I know if he's drinking and I dress really skanky and get us a hotel room maybe he can get into it and treat me like some porn star in a very rough sex video, and I don't actually hate that, but I don't want that to be the ONLY intimacy we have.

I just want him to look at me and tell me I'm beautiful. I mean, even for him to think that. For him notice me as something other than an annoyance in his life. I am trying so hard to not want that. There is more to life. I feel sick that I sought out and engaged with men who wanted me. It was such a bizarre feeling. Men who wanted to see me naked! Who would actually get turned on by my body. I feel so guilty about wanting that. I know I'm nothing special. But these guys wanted me. Why? I don't know. Maybe only possible if they don't know me.

My husband is open to therapy, but what's the point? I don't want him to change how he acts when he still isn't attracted to me. I know I'm not a young woman anymore. I know I'm an aging heap of skin and fat and bones and sagging tits. And it will only get worse as I get older. If I'm not desirable now, what will he think of me in 10, 20 years?

I don't need sex every day. I need to be wanted. To be loved.

I hate what I've done to try to find that feeling. I hate myself so much. And I actually just proved to myself that I'm undesirable when someone gets to know me and my body. I give up.