"Start" was a long time ago.

I haven't posted in a while since it can really make me (52 HLM) feel pathetic. I'm going to try to avoid ranting and just try to keep to the gist of things.

Things continue to be less than stellar but the holidays have just gotten me at my lowest.

Most of the time she's (47 LLF) pretty indifferent to me and I have become less tolerant of it on the day to day routine. I haven't really said much but I'm sure it shows. I've also been a bit under the weather which has further eroded my patience.

As always, she's a bit friendlier if she's had a few drinks. I know this, she knows this. I'm only human and might actually anticipate some attention in this scenario. Needless to say, the holidays prompted the occasion a few times with mixed results.

However, one of the times it turned favorable she totally, 100%, initiated. The episode, although a bit dampened by inbriatition, seemed totally mutual and enjoyed. Turns out she doesn't remember it that way, if she actually remembers it at all.

A few days later, on a similar occasion, she just totally lost it about how I'm nothing but a rapest waiting for the right moment to take advantage with references to specifically the above occasion.

I'm totally messed up now and don't know what to do. I just want to give up. I was thinking things were good, well OK anyway, but apparently, I'm just a monster.